MAN TALK: We don’t want to know everything

We hear men like a free girl, confident enough to be herself around them, especially in a relationship. Do you, however, prefer it if there are limits to this freedom or should we go all out and bare our good and bad in the name of being free with you?

Hmmm…that is tricky. See, this free thing tends to turn into kamanyiro. I like her to be free with me, able to tell me anything, and she can be herself around me. For example, if she is the kind that likes to sit on the couch and eat a full bowl of rice and beans, she should be free enough to do that whether I’m there or not. But the line is drawn where this liberty gets taken for granted. Some very personal habits should remain personal, and I’m not one of her girls, so she should keep her lugambo to herself. Something like that.

Benjie
I don’t know whether there’s anything like “controlled freedom” but I think that is the kind relationships need. Whereas I think my girlfriend should and needs to be free to tell me about anything that’s bothering her, things she has been through and her aspirations without worrying that I will judge her for it or use it against her in future, I think some things are best kept on the inside.
I don’t really want to know the number of exs she has had or guys she slept with. If she told me under the guise of being “free” then I guess I would be “free” to judge her. I think we are supposed to use our judgement to tell us that even if you are in love with someone, “anything goes” is not really literal. Sieve the things you do or say, unless it’s really important that they come out.

Andrew Wallace
To be honest, I think it’s a good thing that she feels free with me. In a way, I’m sure this openness will lessen thoughts of isolation and will add to her sense of being known by me. So, she should feel free to do or tell me anything. My concern here though is where she should draw the line.

Her having an inner, private life does not necessarily mean she is hiding habits, transgressions, infidelities or things like that. I just don’t need to know everything! This unnecessary information overload could be detrimental depending on how I feel about certain things she does or opens up to me about. For instance, I may not be interested in knowing if and when she picks her nose or how many guys hit on her in a day! She can keep this intel to herself.

The trick here is for us to be transparent enough and talk about our feelings on sharing and privacy so we can strike a balance. But, in a suspicious way, I think this can be a downside or a stagnation in any relationship. This arrogance when partners believe that they know all there is to know about their adored can misplace the sense of mystery or challenge.

What such a relationship might gain in openness, it may lose in passion and excitement. She shouldn’t be an open book, she should allow me to demystify certain things on my own. And that’s why I think maintaining a zone of privacy can keep relationships fresh and fascinating in a way. A little mystery will always spice up things.

Jamie
She needs to be free with me in almost everything. There should not be secrets between us and that’s a ton of freedom, I think. She needs to be free because this is the only way I can know what I am dealing with and the same goes for her.

Freedom of this kind leads to silent communication, where we are able to read each other’s minds. This is a good thing for people who want to be partners for a long time; synergy is power. In this freedom, a girl has Carte Blanche on things she wants to do. Of course, if those things are not disrespectful to the relationship, everything goes. As long as no one’s sensibilities will be hurt by my/her actions, she’s free to be who she is.