When your parents do not like your partner

You have made up your mind to marry someone, only for him or her to be rejected by your parents. Which side would you take?

When Marvin saw Sharon, he was convinced that she was the person he wanted to marry. They dated for some time and after three years, he proposed and to his great delight, she accepted.

“At that point, I felt my life had been made complete, it was one of the greatest days of my life because the girl I planned on spending the rest of my life with had accepted my marriage proposal,” he says. They began making arrangements for their introduction ceremony.

Not liked from the start
But Marvin’s parents had met Sharon early in our relationship, and though they did not seem to take much liking towards her.

He narrates his side of the story: “I did not see this as an issue and I assumed that like all relationships, they would get to like her as time went on. However, I was wrong. When I told my parents that Sharon and I were getting married, my mother almost blew up with rage .She told me that even if my life depended on it, they would not let me marry her. She claimed that my fiancée’s family background was not appealing. Not even my endless pleas could get neither her nor my father to change their minds.”

Going against parents
At one point, he felt like my parents were putting him in a tight spot, where he was supposed to choose between going against their wishes and marrying the love of his life or dump her and remain on their good side.

After a number of family meetings and consultations with friends, he decided to marry Sharon. They opted for a civil marriage since this would be simpler; would not raise any eyebrows and unnecessary questions.

“My family disowned me and I lost contact with them. We have been married for a year now and though I do not regret what I did—choosing my wife over my family—I pray, with each passing day, that my parents will come to terms with my situation and re-unite with me,” Marvin hopes.

Like Marvin, there are many people faced with similar situations. The decision making in such cases can be rather complicated. Many times, the parents may claim to have their own reasons for their disapproval, and most times, the reasons range from cultural to social and economic reasons. The reasons generally vary.

In their best interest
Margaret, a mother of four, says there is nothing wrong with a parent having a say in who his or her child wants to marry.

“If my son or daughter brought his or her partner home and for some strong reason I found him or her not befitting, I would strongly disapprove. As parents, we ought to always look out for our children. I just want my child to be happy. By disapproving, I am not being a bad parent, I am simply looking out for my child’s best interest and happiness,” Margaret reasons.

However, there are those that insist that family comes first and if their parents do not approve of their spouse, they would terminate the relationship. Olivia, a student at Uganda Christian University, says that no matter how much she loved someone, her parents will always come first. If they disapprove of her partner, she will terminate the relationship.

Unseen flaws
She says, “Blood is thicker than water, so if my parents think that whichever person I intend to marry is not the right one for me, I would definitely not go ahead with the relationship. To me, parents can never be wrong. They have their reasons for the disapproval.’

Lois Ocheng, a counsellor at the Healing Talk Counselling Services, says the child should be willing to listen to the reasons that the parent gives. The parent could have seen flaws in the partner that their child cannot see. There should be open communication that each party is able to understand the other.

On whether it would be right to go against parents, Ocheng says the answer is both a yes and a no. “No” because the parents may have seen flaws in your partner that you could not have seen. “Yes”, it would be right for one to remain with their partner because the parents could be mistaken.

The factors that they are looking at may not be that important for the marriage to survive, and they could probably be factors that could be over looked.

editorial@ug.nationmedia.com