Who should women talk to about their marital problems?

Sometimes women just want to talk about certain things: Not seeking advice that a counsellor would offer but looking for a shoulder to lean on or a listening ear, or, even laugh at some of the issues.

Such is the case for Irene, who got married recently. But considering her new status as ‘Mrs’ she needs someone to talk to about her new life – but who is the most suitable candidate? Of course, the person must be able to relate to the marriage experience in other words, married. A group of young women gave some ideas.

Talk to someone in the community, church or the extended family
Kevin who has been married for 15 years has found the community she has lived in a wonderful resource. The community could mean your local church, especially fellowship, area where you stay or even someone from your extended family.

“There are certain people full of good marriage experience wherever one stays. You may not declare your problems before all residents or the congregation but choose someone you could talk to at a personal level,” she said.

When she was still young in marriage, Kevin would talk to her aunties. She recalls with satisfaction the amount of strength she drew from such “talks” because she was talking and hearing from people who had already been where she was then treading.

However, not everyone who has had an experience in marriage could be talked to.

“Those who have been there but are not there anymore may mislead you because they are harbouring bitterness from the failed marriages,” she warned.

Robinah with her 37 years in marriage prefers talking to her elders, both in the community and at church. Being a Christian, Robinah also treasured the habit of “walking in the light” (disclosing your private self to fellow Christians) to the fellowship of elders. She enjoys the warmth and acceptance she gets.

From the church folks, Apofia who has been married for only three months confides in a prayer partner. She believes as a young married woman with a lot going on in your marriage life, one may be able to contain all the issues.

“You need to talk about some things so that you cool down or you will run mad,” Apofia said.

Mother or mother-in-law?
Apofia also talks to her two mothers, her biological mother and mother-in-law. Besides her mother, she says she has made friends with her husband’s mother.

“If there is any issue that I must share, the first one to know is my mother or my mother-in-law. I speak to my mother as a friend and I am sure talking to her would be helpful to me,” she said.

Different circles of friends
Though only two years in marriage, Prim learned a long time ago how friendship differs at different levels. There are some that belong to the inner circle that are privy to matters as deep as bedroom experiences. Then there is the outer circle that also has its share of importance in sharing the light information. The particular kind that she would share this information with is what she would refer to as “friends who can give emotional support and also empathise”.

But there are friends Prim would involve in any kaboozi just like Monika likes to call it.

After 18 months in marriage Ritah adds another aspect. She says it’s better if you are in the same age bracket and the length she has spent in marriage should be the same or more by a small margin.

But Irene insists that she can comfortably relate to her friend.

“You need to be age-mates if not one who has spent as much time in marriage as you or fairly close period of time. But those who have spent a longer time in marriage can come in if things are deep or serious,” she said. Ritah strongly believes that the best people to talk to are friends because they are always readily around to offer a listening ear. “Counsellors may not be with you as friends are,” she added.

Matron, mentors and marriage counsellors
Florence has been married for six months and has a strong attachment towards the woman she chose as her matron on her wedding day. She would definitely run to her in case she needed to talk about something.

“My matron is a mentor and counsellor to me. I can still talk to her about any sort of issues in my marriage,” she said.

Jennifer too argues for the matron as very important in the ‘sharing’ equation.

“A matron’s major job is to listen to the new bride and advise where necessary. That’s why some churches insist on the bride having a married woman for her matron,” she said.

Talk to God
Above all, Jennifer who has been in it for 14 months, says, “there is the Almighty God!” One more extremely important ‘person’ you can count on is God. He listens very patiently and you can throw anything at him.

“A young married can pour out her heart to Him, even if it means that insignificant issue,” she said.

Four weeks into her matrimonial home, Monica says, God has provided strength and favour in mysterious ways that have enabled her handle marriage issues she would never have dreamed of handling. After witnessing, firsthand God’s role when she was getting married, she believes God can also offer the best “listening ear” or shoulder to lean on.

editorial@ug.nationmedia.com