COMMON SENSE: Men are shortchanging the women when it comes to parenthood

He’s one year and four months old. He loves all kinds of food and he’s as playful as they get. Spending a full day with him feels like 24 hours spent on a treadmill. He loves everything, be it a stray dog or my long lost aunt. He’s every receptive. His only distaste though is DJ Michael and his music. How do I know that? Because every time his music is played on NTV, he cries out loud.

He’s my son Isaiah. My bundle of joy. Of late he has taken on a different facet, to me. He’s my silent confidant. When the going gets tough between me and his mother, I turn to Isaiah and rant away. I ask him why his mother is being inconsiderate. I ask him whether it’s me with the problem.

As I say all this, he just watches me pensively, breaking out in a smile at the end of my rant. Then he gives me his take on my problems in his style. “Aahaahahaaha.” he says. The problem is, I never quite understand what he’s saying but I sure do appreciate his effort at trying to get to the bottom of the tiff between daddy and mummy.

For the last one week I have been spending all the nights with him. His mother was upcountry for a job assignment so I stepped in. It was really an unforgettable experience. Here I was venturing into new territory. I was changing diapers at 2a.m. Bottle feeding at 5a.m. Then I would take a quick shower, and head to work. I would leave work at 5p.m. and head home to be with him. I would then play and make a fool out of myself till the maid brought supper at 8p.m. then sing all kinds of songs to get him to sleep…boy it was backbreaking!

But it was during that week that a light bulb switched on in my head. How do women handle all this? How do they play, feed and at the same time nurture these children? How for example, do they look after themselves, their husbands and babies all, sometimes, at the same time?

Tradition and culture in Africa have always been powerful pillars in society. They structure the way we approach close to everything we do. Be it the way we walk, dress or approach global issues. In the area of family and the way it’s brought up, tradition for centuries has clearly paved the roles of both father and mother in the upbringing of a child.

The role on the man’s side is quite brief; as long as there is food on the table, everything is okay. For the woman, it’s a different ballgame. She will have to do everything; bathe, feed and play with them. Add to that the issue of looking after the “big baby” aka her husband.

Look at today’s average father. As long as he can provide money for pampers, then his time with the little one is done. Occasionally on Sundays he will spend time with baby provided he doesn’t throw tantrums.

The moment he does so, he’s quickly handed over to the mummy. It’s the mother with the magic wand. It is, as many fathers would argue, a “traditional thing” after all.
Think about it; how many single mothers are out there? How many men spend all their money in bars when their babies lack pampers? How many men know when it’s time to change the children’s wardrobe? It’s that hands-off approach that I have a problem with.

But let’s flip it a bit. Imagine just for one single day all mothers decided to go for a vacation leaving father and baby behind. Wouldn’t that be Armageddon for many of us men? Where would we start? We don’t know what milk they take, which time they go to bed or what technique to use when they start ranting. It would be chaos.

This is your own child but you don’t know what size of pampers they wear? You are a stranger to that young soul. Actually you could be called a traitor. Yes, I know that you spend endless nights planning how best to feed the family. But that doesn’t mean you should distance yourself from their upbringing. Both are Siamese twins; looking for the daily bread and rocking him to sleep.

It’s good, even necessary for us to debate and castigate the likes of Anifa Kawoya and her shenanigans or NRM and its ridiculous elections (these people can’t even vote fairly amongst themselves!).

But at the end of the day, I believe that the reason many of us toil, sweat and perhaps even cheat is because we want our little ones to be well taken care of tomorrow. The irony is, if we focus on just putting food on the table and not really knowing who these children of ours are, we just might do it all in vain.
I only came to this thinking after spending a week with Isaiah.

If you want to know how shortchanged mothers are, spend a weekend when Man U and Arsenal are playing with your young one who has refused to eat the food you are trying to feed him! You will get it.

rkalumba@monitor.co.ug