Thursday Thoughts: I’m the greatest footballer, after Messi

Sid Lowe, The Guardian’s Spanish football correspondent having run out of superlatives to describe Leo Messi, resorted to swear words. While other writers wore out their thesauruses creating sentences like ‘’Messi was dazzlingly brilliant, his pre-eminence evident…” Sid Lowe simply wrote “leo messi holy f****** S***, or some other expletive Black Beard would have been proud of. But such is the brilliance of the Argentine that it was only a matter of time before Sid exhausted his arsenal of expletives, and it finally happened on Monday.

One can only swear so much. And like every person who has gone to Oxford, he decided to create his own words. He described Messi as an ‘’epochal’’ genius.

That is how good Messi is. He has reduced intelligent professionals who earn their livings by writing into swearing schizophrenics (You have to be crazy to dream up “epochal”) and I can no longer claim to be good at football as he is.

These aren’t the ramblings of an average person. I know a bit about football and for a period of about six years, I was an exceptional footballer. In my short playing career, there were very few types of goals I did not score. Long mazy dribbles, 20 yard headers, powerful shots into top corners, back heels, I scored them all with alarming regularity. Sometimes five, (on a bad day) six, seven times a day.

Not only did I score goals, I also created them for lesser talented individuals. Those who were privileged enough to see me kick a ball never remained the same. It was clear in my mind, and the minds of others that I was the best football player since 1994, and quite possibly the greatest ever. Why am I telling you all this?

To comfort all Ugandans out there. I want Ugandans to know that our motherland is a home to someone who is the second best at something in the world.

I want Ugandans to know that ours isn’t a country that only produces kleptomaniacs, ours is a country that gave birth to yours truly, only second to Lionel Messi.

Do not be fooled by Ronaldo’s good looks and rock hard abs, they count for nothing. In the world of football, there is God, aka, Messi and after God me, there is simply no room for a Portuguese who wears too much hair gel.

Besides, Messi and Ronaldo are simply good at their jobs and like thousands of other people who are also good at their jobs, all they deserve is a plastic plaque with the words “employee of the year” and maybe a Christmas bonus. Instead, I’m up at two in the morning staring at a computer. I hate them. Death to them all.

editorial@ug.nationmedia.com