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My girlfriend denies me intimacy

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By Sarah Tumwebaze

Posted  Thursday, December 5   2013 at  02:00

The question:Dear heart to heart, I love my girlfriend so much. We have been together for five months now but the closest we have got intimately is hugs and a few kisses - which I only steal. She says she is still a virgin and begs that we should wait a little longer, or even until marriage, before we can get really intimate. The thing is, I am coming from a sexually-active relationship and believe some occasional intimacy is good before marriage. She is a nice girl and I would not want to lose her, although I am also finding it hard to hang in there. I feel I might get tempted to cheat soon because I am surrounded by temptation at the work place and when I hang out with my friends. What can I do?
-Worried Francis

Your answers
Dear Francis, love is not determined by sleeping with someone. You have to respect your girlfriend’s decision. If you truly love her, you will wait for her. If you are in such a hurry , then go ahead and marry her. True love does not cheat. Why are you even thinking of sleeping around with other women?

Dude, just walk out of the relationship because that will tempt you to cheating, hence leading to a break up. So just go in peace.

Oh please! Don’t you know that true love waits? If you cannot get another sex addict, twakoowa. If you want sex, go get it somewhere. We are tired of people pretending to be in a dilemma yet they know exactly what they want.
Favour Phina

Francis, I think it is better you talk to your girlfriend and explain your feelings and the possible consequences before you do anything that might kill her trust for you. She might have a point for avoiding you or there is something which can only be known through talking, before making any decision Just think twice and remember her faith and heart might be in your hands.
Kays Morris Francis

Dear Francis, it is better to wait first because sex before marriage is not right. I ask you to be patient, find other things that keep both of you busy. Also avoid secret places that might cause you to feel like no one is watching but God.
Patrick Emecu

Francis, you should try to respect your girlfriend’s decisions since you confess to loving her. Abstaining is a good thing. There are no regrets. Cheating will not solve anything here.

Francis, it is good that you acknowledge that she is a good girl and you do not want to lose her. The situation you are facing now is not unusual and many men out there face the same every day. However, for your relationship, it is important to define what you really want out of it. Are you simply dating for just or are you looking to settle down? True, sex is a huge ingredient in a healthy relationship but by now you should know that sacrifices also form a huge part of successful relationships. Have you talked to her about your previous affair and how sexually active it was? Open up to her, if she is mature she will understand you.
Ivan H

Worried Francis, this is a matter of choice. On one hand you have a real need, to have a sexual relationship. Then you have a good girlfriend who does not want to get that intimate. You can decide to get your need met by coercing her into it, or getting it fulfilled from elsewhere as you hold onto her, or dumping her altogether and finding someone else who is okay with having a sexual relationship. However, you can decide to sit down with her and prod for the reasons behind her wanting to keep her virginity. It could be because of her faith, past experience or principles. You can then tell her what you are going through and together you figure out a way to see what you can do to hold on until the right time. You can also seek advice from men who have been in the same position. You have a choice - to fulfil your need and hurt a good relationship or make some sacrifices.

Francis, If you love your girl, then you should try and hang onto her a little bit longer. But that is on condition that you find out if she really loves you. There is holding onto her yet she is just wasting your time.

Francis If you don’t want to lose her, then do as she said. But if you need my honest advice, there are so many beautiful young girls out there waiting for men like you to sweep them off their feet. So come on, style up!
Power Kidega

Dear Francis, true love is patient and kind. Since your girlfriend treasures sexual purity, don’t force her to lose her values. Every time you get tempted, distract yourself with work, books, movies or a walk. Try to keep away from pornographic material. Also, try not to be alone with her or any other lady that could tempt you. Concentrate on other things that made you fall in love with her so that your relationship is not all about sex. If you push her to the wall, she might end up leaving you for somebody who loves her enough to wait. All the best.
Man Francis, I totally understand your frustration. I have been through that before and my story is too long, otherwise I would have loved to share it here. Anyway to cut the long story short, I tried to be patient with the girl for about six months but later learnt that she was actually seeing an old man, whom she is now married to. It affected me so much and to date I don’t think it is wise to always put all your eggs in one basket. Go have fun, you only live once!
Focused Shawn

Worried Francis, Before you make any decision, whether to cheat or wait with her, ask yourself why you are in that relationship. Are you with her because of the intimacy or because you want a lasting relationship? If it is for the latter then you are going to have to take a lot of cold showers until the two of you are married because it is unlikely that she will change her mind. You talked about being tempted to cheat, how about you surprise yourself and avoid that temptation? Just because it is there, doesn’t mean you have to fall for it. Think of how much it would hurt to lose this girl because of “some occasional intimacy”.

Counsellor’s opinion

Dear Worried Francis, it is sad that you have to feel this way especially when you are in a relationship with a woman you describe as nice and you do not want to lose her. But you should also be glad that unlike some girls/ women nowadays, she is still a virgin. It means she is a woman who holds her values highly, one of the most important things in a relationship. She might be doing this because of her religion or any other reason but no matter what it is, you should be happy that you found her.
However, while I can imagine the challenge you are facing is tough, having to be with someone who does not want to be intimate, yet you are coming from a sexually-active relationship. I advise you to give her some time because five months is a short time to be impatient. This is because when you enter a new relationship, it is important that you give each other sometime before getting intimate. This will allow you to study each other from the outside and also give you a better perspective of the person than having to love them for who and what they are like in bed.
From what you say, I can imagine that your urge to be with a woman is so tempting but you need to think twice about why you like this woman before you decide to start sleeping with other women because if you bow to temptation and she comes to learn about it, she might end the relationship, something you do not want to happen. Therefore, since you feel that you are ready to get into bed with this woman and you say you like her yet the only way she can be intimate with you is if the two of you are married. Your choice is pretty much to wait until you are married.

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