Pampering vs spoiling children

As parents, we want to make our children’s lives as simple, pleasant and secure as possible. So we go out of our way to provide, protect and accommodate them.
However, sometimes our honourable endeavours blur that thin line between pampering and spoiling a child. Tomson Nowamani, a child development expert says pampering is good for the child. A pampered child is one who has all the necessities which ideally should lead to healthy, holistic growth. “When a parent gives their child too much attention and unnecessary gifts, that can be described as spoiling. But a parent can also indulge their child with time and presents. The major difference is that one is negative and the other is empowering,” Nowamani says.
This generation of parents is guilty of being what child development experts term as “push-over” parents. They buy their children all the latest gadgets and toys, wash, clean, cook and iron without making children pitch in, and go ahead to do their children’s homework and assignments. This parenting style has led to a generation of spoilt and overindulged children who are ill-equipped to deal with their own problems. Their biggest is the step to independence. No matter how protected they grew up at one point they have to cope alone; a step they are not prepared for at all.

Drawing the line
Stanley Ndawula, a single father of 12, says he has two major rules when it comes to parenting. One is to never do for a child what they can do for themselves and two, never forget that they are the child and you are the parent. “I have raised two biological and 10 adopted children, which means I have learnt a lot along the way. For instance, I know for sure that you can pamper children without spoiling them. You can give them what they need and use that to teach them responsibility; I pay for DStv so they can watch their favourite programmes but when it is disconnected, I don’t expect them to go to the neighbour’s to watch from there,” he says.

Ndawula says as much as he wants to protect his children, he would never attack a parent or their teacher in their presence because it sets a bad example.
“They have gadgets but I monitor how they use them. I let them go out with friends and even give them money but they have curfew and they know better than do things I have forbidden them from doing. At the end of the day, children are children and need adult supervision and guidance not indulgence and neglect as some parents do and cover it up with money and presents,” says Ndawula.

Jonathan Baguma, a father, says protecting children from school punishment and allowing them too much freedom is spoiling not pampering. He adds: “I always have a problem with parents who reward their children’s efforts with gifts. By this practice they are teaching them that for example performing well in class isn’t enough reward. They are children for God’s sake; the way you shape them is the way they come out. It is a good idea to reward children for excellence but with things that aid in achieving more of that excellence.”
“I love my children and I think I do pamper them but I also endeavor to teach them responsibility, accountability, humility and respect,” says Ronnie Nsereko a father. “I have trained them not to compare themselves with the other children therefore don’t envy and long for what their peers have. I also encourage them to set goals for themselves which I hold them accountable to,” he adds.

What the counsellor says
Lillian Nalwoga, a child counsellor with Mentoring and Empowerment for Women Programme advises parents to show love but not spoil their children. “Love may be given through affirming them, for example letting them know that you love them by telling them, appreciating them when they do good and fulfilling your responsibilities as a parent,” she says.
Nalwoga adds, however, a parent should also be able to correct them when they go wrong. Correcting involves punishing; the punishment should be timely, reasonable, and in line with what the child has done. Pampering in most cases involves spoiling because a parent who pampers a kid may fail to notice his or her wrong doings and therefore may fail to give the right direction.”

The right way to pamper your child

Children must be allowed to stumble and fall and make as many mistakes as they possibly can. It’s a human condition to make mistakes, learn from them and make real progress. You cannot protect a child from the realities of life forever; give them space to make their own mistakes, handle their own challenges and be there for them whenever they need you.
Make sure your children get enough sleep. Sleep is the most important study tool because children who don’t get enough sleep are irritable and have learning problems.
Make sure they eat a healthy breakfast. Research suggests 10 per cent of schoolchildren don’t eat breakfast and another 15 per cent eat unhealthy food - they are neurologically unteachable.
Monitor their social life. Keep them away from drugs and alcohol. Alcohol is toxic to the developing brain, so children should not drink anything at all until at least 16.

Limit technology use Most parents are unaware of tools that allow them to block or moderate their children’s Internet and video game use. Parents need to use programmes to allow children to access the internet for homework but block social media that will distract them.
Eat with your children. Eating at the dinner table leads to better academic results, language development and protection against alcohol and drug abuse.
Respect. Respect your child as they grows up. Pay attention to his needs. Be sensitive to his likes and dislikes. Learn to recognise what the child really wants, and within the limits of practicality and common sense make that available.

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