Seven resolutions not to make for 2015

Dear resolution makers,

Greetings from the resolutions assistance office of the great beyond. I would have said happy holidays but here, it is anything but. We are already swamped with pre-New Year resolutions especially from those planning to quit alcohol in 2015.

Mainly we are trying our best to ensure they at least survive the binge drinking in the festive season to actually make the real resolution. Our days are occupied with those planning to quit sugar and pork, and other unhealthy food. This group is trying to consume as much of these substances as they can before they quit in the New Year.

Our team is liaising with the guardian angel department and has to be on call 24/7 to ensure these crews do not develop one of those lifestyle diseases before they can start afresh. It is only going to get worse in the New Year when those planning to quit toxic relationships join the fray.

Don’t think we are not happy to assist you in your quest to be a better person. Oh, we are, and you and your resolutions are the reason we are here. I may sound a little irritated but surely not as much as those individuals behind the ironically named help desks in telecom customer care centres. Next to those my dour face qualifies as vivacious. Here’s me hoping they are making resolutions to correct that.

This note was mainly to let you know of the changes in New Year resolutions. For one we are now accepting shorter term resolutions, from bi-annual all the way down to weekly. We have realised most of you never go past March with these so called resolutions. There is also no point calling them New Year resolutions.

With immediate effect, we have dropped the ‘year’ and will henceforth refer to them as New resolutions. You can make them as often as you like and no longer have to wait for the end of the year.

We have also dropped the following from the list of resolutions, we will be accepting from Ugandans for the reasons outlined below each.

I will stop drinking
This is not because we sympathise with businesses whose revenues are dependent on alcohol sales. Rather we are tired of staffing a whole section to help the millions who make this declaration as the clock strikes midnight on December 31 with what they claim to be their last glass in hand only to find them out of work by the end of January.

We have realised the reason people appear to stick to their resolution for the duration of January is less to do with their resolve and more to do with their finances, or lack of them during the January dry spell. Hence, the relapse the minute the salaries hit the accounts.

We do not see why you need to make a resolution when you have no resolve.

I will quit sugar
Sorry, you will need another resolution if you were planning on quitting sugar. Under this add chocolate, and other byproducts of sugar. This one has been rejected as it tends to have repeat offenders. Each time they talk of how they will cut their sugar intake, each time they manage to consume even more sugar.

Good for the sugarcane and confectionery industry but we cannot be part of you deluding the world while we know you just go underground with your sugar consumption.

I will exercise more
Of the two million Ugandans who said they would do this at the beginning of 2014, only 1,579 had started by January 15. The rest claimed to have not bought exercise gear, mainly shoes, or were too tired, or too hungry, January being the famine after the feast it usually is.

Needless to say, they never got around to starting. Those who bought sports shoes still found some other excuse not to start.

Of those who had started, only 520 kept at it for more than a week cruelly crushing the hope with which gym trainers had found on seeing the surging numbers. This cruelty alone merits us to drop this resolution. But there is more.

By March when there were not more than 70 people who were still attempting to keep to their resolution at the beginning of the year and the number kept dwindling. You can imagine our surprise when we saw the multitudes that went for the MTN marathon. But we later learnt most see it less as exercise and more as fun. That is before the weeklong muscle aches of course.

Anyway, you do not have to buy sports gear you will only use for a week. This resolution is dropped.

I will eat healthier
This one was cancelled because we noticed too much food was being wasted. A lot of you carry out your intentions as far as buying the vegetables, pulses and fruits. Then you taste the food and remember why you are eating unhealthy in the first place.

I will get married
Usually those who say this also hope to get a partner, fall in love before they get around to the marriage. Many of them do not even manage a partner at the end of the year. We are just tired of this one. Instead of making this as a resolution, feel free to hold off marriage till kingdom come.

I will go to church more often/ Be more spiritual
We now know we cannot trust people to keep this one. We accept that many people will sustain the church going only till the end of January when salaries come and they feel their prayers have been answered.
I will go out less/ spend more time at home
Yes you will but only when your pocket will not allow you. Nothing to do with your resolve.

I will lose weight
Enough people have pledged this over the years for us to assume that by now everyone in the country should be the weight they are comfortable with. We are retiring it.

Sincerely,

Secretary at the office of resolution support.

tips for keeping resolutions
While it is not easy to keep resolutions, they play a big part in helping us do away with the old and make positive change in our lives. Here are a few tips to help you stick to your resolve:
• Whatever it is, the first step is to get motivated. Without the proper inspiration, how can you drive yourself? Why not find a quote to inspire you. - Dr Mehmet Oz
• Expect occasional slips in your resolutions. Most successful resolvers slip in January. But a slip need not be a fall; pick yourself up and recommit to your resolution after a slip. - John C. Norcross
• To keep a New Year’s resolution, it’s best to keep it simple and ensure your goals are realistic, so that you can actually keep your promise. - Chris Powell,
• For the weight watchers, focus on Progress, not perfection. If you are moving more than you have been before and eating better than you have then you are making progress! Congratulate yourself. You are doing great. - Robert DeVito,