The people who got us talking in 2014

Desire Luzinda
Artiste of the nude photos fame
A scandal here, a scandal there makes a waning star shine a little brighter. Just when we were about to expire from boredom in the lull of petty squabbles between our celebs Desire came to the rescue. 2015 is going to see a flurry of mediocres outdoing themselves, trying to compete with her. Somebody please close the backdoor of the asylum.

“Eddy Kenzo
Artiste of the Sitya Loss fame
We were saved by dance strokes. Since our debut on the international scene we have struggled, pulling out all the stops on alcoholism, dictatorship, corruption, wars, Ebola. The stakes are ever rising, calling for innovation since dubious players have appeared on the scene.

Leah Kalanguka
Miss Uganda 2014/15
Beauty plus generals, minus swimsuits, equals forcefully altering the course of the river. And defying logic. Whichever way you look at this spectacle you will rub someone the wrong way. Many rejected this stone but she was almost turned into a cornerstone at Miss World 2014. Well, almost doesn’t count.

Anne Kansiime
Comedian
Only shooting stars break the mold. She made us laugh then went on to make the world laugh. In a city where it is getting harder to come by a genuine joke she has managed to retain her originality.

Andy Mwesigwa
Uganda Cranes captain
Say it again. Without anger this time, please. Naye Ugandans and dreams! Gavumenti etuyaambe. We fantasised about Afcon 2015, never mind that we didn’t put in much to get that delusion going. This fiasco calls for a scapegoat and he fit the bill perfectly. Talk about writing your own ticket to oblivion.

Sam Mugumya
Kizza Besigye’s aide
If you thought the government’s bag o’ tricks was empty, you have another thing coming. We knew he had been captured in DRC even before their government knew they had arrested him. That’s how faith works. We declare and believe, on your behalf and sooner or later he appears in your custody. And the briefcase of dollars? We are working on that declaration.

Jacqueline Mbabazi
Chairperson NRM Women’s League
Like Icarus, in the Greek legend, she shot out of her husband’s shadow and flew too close to the scorching sun. Naturally, the sun melts wings, especially those made from wax, causing the wearer to fall in the sea. Icarus was the son of a master craftsman, so go figure. But will she drown? Not just yet, not when the crown is in sight.

Erias Lukwago
Embattle Lord Mayor
He never stopped being Lord Mayor, even if only in name. The epitome of perseverance, he would have fit perfectly into the civil rights era. Unfortunately, we are all black so he cannot be a victim of racism. The next time you see the emperor naked, zip your mouth. But then again, his loud stance is paying off, so scratch that!

Margaret Zziwa
Impeached Eala Speaker
When you play Russian roulette, have a care. The stakes are higher. Ask the Russians. You cannot carry Kampala’s political theatrics to Arusha. Here, we might laugh at you; there, it’s a cloak and dagger affair. And you forgot your cloak.

Sam Kutesa
President of the UN Assembly
Our own Teflon don. Nothing sticks on him; not even petitions with hundreds of signatures. He will calmly shake his feathers and march on to the next conquest. He certainly got the world’s attention when he called for renewed efforts at negotiations based on a two-state solution in the Middle East.

Joseph Masembe Uganda’s Little Hands Go Green

He has put a smile on the faces of many children with his green festivals at Kololo Airstrip. He also runs Superstar talent search where winners are driven to their respective schools in limousines, while others are flown for a trip to Disneyland. We wait for this year’s winners to go for their trip.

Gen David Sejusa
Self-exiled UPDF general

A master of the pen, his letter closed down two media houses and raised an already wobbly security level. He led us down the garden path. From shock, to intrigue, to anticipation – all at a feverish pitch and when we were anticipating a climax, he poured cold water on us. You still owe us one, Monsieur le Général.

M23 rebels
Congolese rebel group
We’ve become a connoisseur of rebel outfits but this one is a different sort all together. When the big guns came out they fled en masse. Leaving heroics to the Lukwagos of this world, they perfected the art of vanishing into thin air and reappearing. Again, en masse.

Father Lokodo
Ethics Minister
Never rouse a sleeping lion. Didn’t your mother tell you? Woe unto you peddlers of pornography and scoundrels of morals. The curtain call has been raised on you. And no, you aren’t retiring to loud applause. It’s straight to prison for you. But wait…what about the officers who view the evidence?
Justice Catherine Bamugemereire
Led the tribunal to impeach Lukwago
A storm in our teacup, she burst into the limelight travelling at 185 km/h. You’d expect the storm to rapidly intensify but by the time she hit us, it had fizzled out. The limelight takes no hostages and we have short memories so hasta luego, Justice. Till the next storm.

Jennifer Musisi
Executive Director, KCCA
She is Kampala. That said, don’t we just love to hate her? The city’s beautification is a work in progress, and ugliness is the new beauty these days. We have all seen pictures of ‘lake’ Clock tower and the Nakivubo channel ‘falls.’ Move over Karuma falls. Who said the CBD cannot be a tourist destination?

Jolly Tumuhiirwe
The maid

Trust Jolly to cut short our revelry in our newfound fame. Passion is an odd emotion. And strange hands rock the cradle these days; hands that seek revenge when your back is turned; that are indifferent to the fear in innocent baby eyes.

Isebantu Gabula Nadiope IV
King of Busoga
Oh but to be young and handsome! The world will buckle on its knees to you, even if it takes six years. When it finally does, you can take your pick on the tray of life – friends, benefactors, and girls. The best might even fight for you; after all, the winner takes it all.

Cyprian Kizito Lwanga
Archbishop of Kampala Diocese
He took a gamble by recounting how Dr Obote’s government was responsible for most of the significant infrastructure at the Martyrs’ shrine. Not to be left out, the current government has now taken up the burden of expanding the shrine. Fundraisers, you copy?

Muhammed Kirumira
Nansana police officer
He elated us; we thought a revolution had dawned on the police force. At the DPC level, that is. Work ethic, empathy, leading-by-example – the entire works. He was on fire! He set us on fire! Then he was doused in cold water, by a robber, no less, who died, on the job, so his accusations probably don’t count in the public court.

Drs Muhumuza Mutoro and Taban Dada
Doctors who contributed to the fight against ebola
In an age of selfishness, forgetting self, they were at the vanguard of the Ebola outbreak in West Africa. They lost their lives but with the advances in the search for a vaccine, it was not in vain. RIP.

Jennifer Makumbi
Winner of the 2014 Commonwealth Short Story Prize
She is raising our literary flag across the world. Maybe with our own writers winning awards, we will begin to learn the value of reading.

Gen Aronda Nyakairima
Internal Affairs Minister
With bated breath we awaited his next appointment after his nine-year spell as army commander. Blame it on that infamous letter. He beat his critics by turning the Immigration Department around. Ok, not all. Lone voices still insist he is draconian in his methods. However, he has silently worked his way to giving us Identity Cards, the first of its kind in the country.

Sarah Kagingo
Special Presidential Assistant for Communications

She brightened social media – by State House standards. And for that she was punished. We thought we had seen the last of Tamale Mirundi. Alas! It’s a new facet to the war between incompetence and power on the one hand, and capability and well, naivety, on the other hand. She’s still fighting.

Charles Peter Mayiga
Katikiro of Buganda
He took fundraising to dizzy heights. We were so drunk on it that we almost staggered across the line to the begging section. We’ve mastered the art now, right down to returning to where we have already been for an encore. There are results, though. So haters, “mum’s the word!”

Ryan Ssemaganda
The baby at City Hall
We never knew him. Two years was all he got, but what a hectic life it was! Growing up on his mother’s back as she vended bananas, looking to make his life better until it ended under a KCCA car. Well, he is in a better place now although that cannot be said for his mother.

Stella Nantumbwe aka Ellah
Big Brother Africa representative
More on those dreams with no scapegoat in sight. That she didn’t win the money was no surprise. The surprise is that she stayed that long in the house, what with her romance with Idris and all. At least, her performance there will boost her career.