When parents disagree on parenting

“Find a place you can go and live if you cannot stay in the same place with this girl,” said Aminah Nassazi (not real name) while yelling at her husband who was trying to caution their daughter who seems to have gone astray.

Nassazi is a mother of three whose children she does not want to see being cautioned by their father who she claims he always does it even when the child has not committed any offense and feels he sometimes is just stressed and ends up taking it out on their children.

This is a classical case of parenting conflict. It is a serious disagreement or argument between parents on how the child should be brought up or the way the child should be disciplined. Parents should quit making scenes whenever one disagrees with the other’s parenting style.

Sometimes it cannot be avoided but it is best that partners do not rebuke each other in the presence of the child because this has a negative impact on the child.

“A parent who comments negatively about the way a child has been cautioned, in the presence of the child, will make the child feel he always has a defender. So as long as that person is present, the child will always be disrespectful towards the other partner,” says Ali Male, a counselling psychologist at YWCA.

According to Patrick Ssengendo (not real name), their daughter has become disrespectful in that she never takes what he says seriously. He says she talks back at him whenever he tries cautioning her, a vice which has been encouraged by her mother’s continuous public defence.

He further says it is not wrong to disagree with your partner on how to raise your children but the ideal way is not to do so in the presence of the children because in the long run the children lose respect for the partner who is always condemned.
“Most of the times it gets to a point where even your presence irritates the child, just because they have a mindset of you always have a motive of punishing them,” says Ssengendo.

It is not that parents should not caution children, rather it is the way they do it that matters. Anne Mutaawe a mother and businesswoman says everyone has their own way of bringing up children.

“My husband rarely cautions our children because he spends less time at home and whenever he is a round they are well behaved because they are afraid of their father. He only cautions a child when they have committed an offense that he has serially warned them about. Most times he does it so harshly and yet I cannot comment because the children will perceive it the wrong way,” says Mutaawe.

She advises parents to at least discuss such matters when the children are not listening because defending them in their presence will make them unruly and disrespectful.

She adds that partners should respect each other before children can accord them respect.

Remember, the children of a couple with a loving supportive relationship, and that back each other up as parents, but have marginal parenting skills will be better off than a couple that is at war but knows all the latest and greatest parenting tools and skills.

Expert take on different parenting styles

According to Henry Nsubuga a counsellor at Makerere University, parents should know that conflict is sometimes unavoidable but parents need to exercise restraint, especially in the presence of the children.

“When a spouse notices shortcomings in the way one is parenting, they should find a calm way to discuss how they can avoid that from happening again. In that discussion you can discuss the best ways of handling your child,” says Nsubuga.
He further advises parents to understand each other and know that they can never have similar parenting methods because everyone has a different mindset and wants the best for their child.

He says they should also see the benefits in one’s parenting style instead of focusing on only the demerits.

“The most important aspect is considering how children will perceive conflicts in the way you parent them and if you know how your child will be affected psychologically, then the best decisions will be made by the parents,” says Nsubuga.

Annet Nakazibwe, a psychologist, says parents should know their limits when it comes to their children. She says parents should respect each other’s opinion on parenting rather than criticising because it is out of criticism that misunderstandings sprout.

“Seek to be a parent to the child but not to get more credit from your children because taking a child’s side when he or she is being reprimanded for misbehaviour is not right for both the parent and the child. In a way, you will be disrespecting your partner in the presence of the child or even tarnishing their image and this destroys the relationship of the parent and child,” says Nakazibwe.

So, if your relationship has taken a back seat to the children, maybe it’s time to schedule that date night again, spend more time at the beginning and end of each day connecting as a couple, and if necessary, get into some couple counselling.
Those things can benefit your children much more than reading a parenting book or taking a parenting class. And do read the book and take the class –after you have recommitted to keeping your relationship on track!