... to be abused by your wife

What you need to know:

My name is Mark Ochitti, I am 70 years old. I have been married for 40 years and I am a father of 16 from my two wives but I live alone

When domestic violence is mentioned, we always first think of women as victims. One man in Gulu, who claims he has been abused by his wife and children, shares his experience as a victim.

My name is Mark Ochitti, I am 70 years old. I have been married for 40 years and I am a father of 16 from my two wives but I live alone. I decided to stay alone after I got problems with one of my wives about three years ago.
At first, my second wife was a loving and respectful wife. But everything changed after we left the internally displaced persons camp. I had dislocated my knee joint and I was not doing well financially, I think that was the problem. She started being disrespectful through her actions and words. She, together with two of my children, often pushed me around and made life hard for me at home.
At night, she suggested we sleep in separate bedrooms because our children had said it was sinful for us to stay together as wife and husband. I was astonished that our children were interfering with our marriage and telling my wife what to do but I obliged. Not once did I get suspicious that she would be having an affair.

The separation
Because of the bickering and the clashes we were having, I asked my wife to separate from me so that she can go back to her home and leave me in peace because I was already an old man. Instead, my two children insisted that I should be the one to leave instead of their mother.
The only thing I had to my name was the land on which we were living. If I were to leave, I would not have had anywhere to go. I also couldn’t work because of my age so I had no other option but to stay there, even while we were separated.
Before we separated, I found out that she was having an affair with my brother. I asked her to stop because I loved her even though she treated me badly but she boldly told me she would not, and dared me to try and stop her. I cannot force a woman to love me and my wife had showed in many ways that she did not love me so we separated.

Mediation
The elders then got involved in our relationship and asked us to live together once again to which we complied but things got worse. When I tried to engage other people to help our situation, she said I was tarnishing her name by doing this.
When things got worse, we agreed that she stays on that land and I moved out to stay with relatives who we were close by.
She never allowed me to see my children and since we were neighbours, we shared a latrine but she would also never allow me to use it. One day, I went to the toilet and when she saw me, she pushed me away and since I never wanted any trouble, I left.
The next morning, I managed to go to the latrine because she was not around but one of my children saw me and called her. When I was still inside, she came and banged on the door, I came out afterwards and as I walked away, she slapped me and pushed me again. I did not retaliate, I just walked away. At this point, I was used to her, I just did not want anything to do with her, I had to let her be.
After this incident, I was shocked when I was taken to police that I had beaten up my wife. She had reported to the police that I had battered her and I was arrested. Once again, I found myself being accused of something I did not do but I thank God that the magistrate threw out the case after speaking to my wife and I.
I never beat my wife but she ganged up on me together with my two children.
I am scared of my children because it seems they want to take my property yet I have my first wife, who has been good to me. The way I was being mistreated was unjust yet I would also love to be there for my other children and grandchildren.
Even if we talk about our problems, people do not care about the men when it comes to gender-based violence. It’s only a few NGOs which have paid attention to us and offer counselling.

As told to Sandra Janet Birungi
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percentage of gender based violence against men in uganda

13 %

Uganda Demographic Health Survey (2011)