Federation of Kampala run-away fathers, Efris and virginity pledges

Life in Uganda is moving both fast and slow. We could be the only country in a parallel universe. You blink for a moment and there is something completely different. But then you blink again, only to wake up in the Kampala of Sebaana. Things are both here and there. Of course we willnot talk about potholes. You know, what new thing shall we say? Are they even still potholes? We need an EFRIS for potholes. We could get serious about them after that.

In the fast lane of Kampala, we are also finding the comeback association. Firstly, if you are a serious Ugandan, you should by now realise that it matters to belong to an association. Every Ugandan should belong to some federation. For example, yours truly belongs to the Miyaayu Owners association. We take care of all the miyaayus and thus help continue this species of the strong and independent cats. The problem with a muyaayu is that it will always be a muyaayu. No matter how much love you show it, a muyaayu will always remind you that it is a muyaayu.

If you are a Ugandan musician, look for the other federesoni. Of late, it is given the other doctor family a joker card. If you can croon out some lyrics, look for a stage name and join the federesoni. The message is simple, you cannot survive alone anymore. Kampala is no longer for loners. You should belong somewhere. There is a quest for identity and belonging. That is why the bu-Smackist cannot stop shouting on X. That is why the Ntare people rushed to Rwanda. Everyone is seeking and searching. Do not get me started on the Ugandans in Nairobi. We shall handle them another day. That lot, the fire that will cook them, will be from Mavuno Church.

Do people still go to Mavuno? There was a time when belonging came from being a Mavuno member. Every celebrity could not stop reminding us about a session at Mavuno. People, Kampala moves fast and slow. There was a time it was cool to be part of Miracle Centre’s Kabandole buses. Every Sunday, the cool ones boarded the buses. Then you people shifted us to the KPC mix. And KPC was KPC. When Ssempa remembers his own good days, he longs that the world could cycle back. Oh Prime Time. Did you people sign those abstinence pledges? Like what sort of reality distortion was this? Why were we pledging our virginities to some random chaps? What business did they have in our personal affairs? Now the trend is with the Garage people. Have you gone to Garage?

And this week, some dude claiming to be the father of Winnie Nwagi’s daughter surfaced. From where? We don’t know. But he showed up right at that point when most of the school fees has been handled. Children are tricky in the early years. That’s when men should show up and be men. But men who show up when kids have bloomed out of the early years, those ones should be relegated to another African country, one worse than Uganda. At this rate, we are going to see another association, the Dead-Beat Fathers of Uganda (DBFU).

I belong to some association aka Decadenian Fund. Problem is that my contribution flowed well when I was still an employee. But now I am an entrepreneur and investor, I have been fined for delayed contributions. These people have acquired habits of those tax people. After all, lessons of our parents have come back to bite. Nothing is free in adulthood. What really is free? Not even the air we breathe. Not even the membership to these associations. Oba I try ko the pilawo movement? I kwekaza one of these days and declare my cross-over from the rolex movement to the pilawo movement. Kubanga pilawo has some new speed.

Other people have also been asking; ‘Naye Kenzo okikola otya?’ If not for Kenzo, Bryan White wouldn’t have rushed back to Kampala. There is something happening underground. Nothing else could have forced Bryan White to rush back home. There is a new game taking place. We are all on the chess board. We can only hope we are not pawns. Luckily, we have Kasuku already handling White, we trust his luseke. By the time we get to June, Bryan White will be out of the country, again.

So, for those that need a summary of Uganda just this week. We have had red eyes because the work at Namboole is not yet satisfactory. To combat this, we assigned MC Mpuuga to the audit job. From Mpuuga, we woke up to EFRIS. EFRIS became EFRIS. As we handled EFRIS, there was a PAYE scare, only for a short time. Then Kenzo reminded us that Nyamutoro is his personal person. Then a baby daddy surfaced, it’ is the first time in history for this to happen. As we were at it, someone asked; ‘naye factory za Museveni za launchinga, nga temuba bantu?’ I suspected this is a chap on a combo of coke and milk. Or have you gotten the Prophet that new car? 

Twitter: ortegatalks