Kampala people detest simple living

Ugandans are spoilt kids...

SURVIVING KAMPALA! The Northern By-pass is the hardest road to drive on during the rain. Because you also do not want to risk parking by the side and waiting out the rain. Ugandan chaps drive on memory. Ugandans do not really look where they are going. They base on memory and instinct. That is the only way you get to remember all the potholes and react just in time for the boda guy to squeeze through.

Fear a society that eats ugali as a snack. That is a hardened society. Such a society has a ‘fundi’ spirit. Fear a society that combines ‘mahindi’ and ‘maharagwe’ and it becomes a street delicacy. Again, such a society has been tempered by the events in life. Kampala never had to walk that route. The closest Kampala came to having a Dedan Kimathi was with Besigye in that blue jumper. Kampalans, we have not been cooked well enough.

That could explain what the city is trying to do to us. I have heard from hidden circles that Mzee thinks we are soft and thus need to be exposed to some hard life. Mbu he wants Kampala to become a city that produces men as hardened as those yams that the Baganda call ‘Obukopa’. So that when he is gone, we can be able to survive in this hard world of colonial scavengers.

And I can understand Mzee’s strategy. Otherwise, every other explanation falls short. When I drove via Ntinda recently, I felt stupid wading through the potholes. But I was relieved when I saw a man in his sleek German car playing the same game. It cleared my insanity. Not that ‘njogeza bwavu’ but it could never be your Ortega with his German car on Kampala potholes. That is clear car molestation. You can mistreat the Subarus of this world. But why would you do that to a German car?

I then realised that Ugandans detest this simple living. Whereas their father is trying to discipline them, harden them with potholes, with no street lighting, Ugandans have refused to adjust. Ugandans are spoilt kids. Small money and they will be scaring the whole city. That is why you should never make a mistake of hitting the bars end of month. You will be competing with inflation in person. Ugandans will even invite their landladies out for a drink, spend the rent together then cook up an excuse the next day.

I appreciate Mzee’s new strategy. Heavy rain recently found me on the Northern By-pass at night. I switched to the extreme mode of the wipers but that did not help the case. I had all the emergency lights on and decided to drive the stretch all the way from Bwaise to Naalya. When I got to Naalya, I realised I belonged to those that could soon graduate out of Mzee’s school of hardened fellows. I promised I would brag about it. The Northern By-pass is the hardest road to drive on during the rain. Because you also do not want to risk parking by the side and waiting out the rain. Ugandan chaps drive on memory. Ugandans do not really look where they are going. They base on memory and instinct. That is the only way you get to remember all the potholes and react just in time for the boda guy to squeeze through.

Speaking of boda guys, why is it that the other gender can maintain long term relationships with them? I know men are loyal to their barbers, and football teams, but that other gender is extremely loyal to their boda guys. Mbu, some boda guys have even become therapists. I will soon enter that institution, but the thought of a boda guy in the mix just traumatises me. Can’t that gender find other people to be loyal to?

I have also noticed that Kampala women can be segmented along the lines of Taylor Swift and Lana Del Ray. There exists those that cannot conceptualise what I mean. Those are the NSSF-ready class, and the other one that has been complaining about YIFRIS. But I must warn you, if you find a Taylor Swift person, be certain you will become material for tortured poetry. I am drawn to the Lana lot, they have seen the days and found time to heal. They are the kind that say, ‘abasajja twabavako bakola byebagala’. After all, they also have a ka-financial independence. My baby auntie falls here…

Back to simple living, I am told Nairobi was trying so hard to become Kampala, mbu that is why it is by other names known as ‘Kanairo’. What else explains their floods? At least these were not among those predicted by Prophet Mbonye. The good prophet only talked about Dubai floods.

In other good news, Watoto Church got to the fourth floor. It is said, getting to the 4th floor in this country when you are in one piece is no mean achievement. It has been an exemplification of integrity, of wholeness. Some of us watched on in admiration. To be tried and tested by Uganda yet stand the test of time is something praiseworthy.

That is why this year, I am also coercing my boss baby, the editor of these threads to catapult me into the Iryn Namubiru or Chameleone concert. Those chaps are worth their salt. Last time, I recreated the ki-bull dance of my single school life with Mambo bado. I just kept playing that song again and again. I guess that is why the Ugandan society makes exceptions for all Chameleone’s demons. His music could only be the world of an angelic spirit…

For Kampala people, the simple life you detest, will be forced on you… Mzee is working overtime…

Twitter: ortegatalks