How to leave that patronising relationship

Sam has a boss at work. Call him David. The boss gives him a salary but in the form of upkeep, house rent, and any other small contingencies. David pays Sam’s rent and utilities directly to the landlord. He also buys him groceries on a weekly. If Sam needs some money to hang around with his boys, David will provide it. 

It has been going well for both for about a year now, but Sam is beginning to feel uneasy about the whole arrangement. That is how he ended up calling me for a conversation: “I have no job contract with this guy. He does not pay my NSSF, I cannot sue him. I am at his beck and call, yet I have a life outside of his work. He sends me on errands that are personal to him like taking his car for a weekend wash and driving his wife around town for shopping. We are so enmeshed I hate the whole thing. I want to live a life of my own. I am thinking of quitting!” 

According to ancient Roman history, a “patron” (from which we derive the word “patronage”) was a person of wealth, privilege, and prestige who often provided and protected the “client” who was often a person of a lower social and economic class. In return, the client was expected to offer services to the patron such as supporting his political campaigns, accompanying him to Rome, and war, and to ransom him if he were captured in war. It was an unequal hierarchical relationship.         

While the mighty Roman Empire is gone, the principles and practice of patronage still exist, in politics and commonly too in workplaces. In an era where jobs are too few to go around, many young people find that they have to take on any job as long it brings them something to survive on, regardless of its form. Some end up in patronage relationships such as Sam’s which look cool on the surface but mask a great of deception if carefully observed. With a little wisdom and observation, you can, however, unmask them, and here is how:    

Manipulative
They will present themselves as friendly and overly nice. While they pay your bills and give you a feeling they are for you yet beneath that false veneer often lies a cold-calculative manipulative individual.   

Sam said David told him he could do anything for him that he could not do for his son. “I knew he was lying through his teeth. I could see through the deception”, Sam said.     

Also, they are unethical at most times: They usually want a soft conduit, someone who they will use for their benefit and you may be that person. For instance, they will never present themselves when they want to borrow money but will present you to the money lender. At this point, you should know something sinister is happening. 

After manipulation
You will fear to leave their job because you will feel guilty just to think that they tell everyone they have done so much for you.  

They have no regard for personal or professional boundaries. They will treat you like their grandson or daughter especially if they are much older than you. They will want to know your relatives or pet’s name. They will even come to your home uninvited. 

They will take credit for your achievements while you work for them. You may hear they told someone, “He is great in policy analysis and presentation because I allowed him to take a course in it.” Never mind that they never contributed a penny to it.   

Also, it is common that they have several people who depend on them for survival. They love this sort of attention because it gives them a sense of responsibility, importance, and validation.   So, how do you handle them?  

Understand why 
Are they the power-hungry type who likes to control their subordinates, or are the beginner type who doesn’t have enough income to sustain an employee they resort to being friendly with you to push through the tough times, or are they the street-smart fellows who will dodge taxes and need you in their corner to cover them? When you know their motivation you can devise an appropriate strategy to address it.        

Set boundaries
You should politely and wisely begin to set boundaries. You may not be the aggressive type of person who will confront them and speak your mind but you may prefer a non-aggressive approach of say dragging it out until they get the point. You could for instance tell your patronising boss when he calls you to walk his dog, “I have already set an appointment to meet my family that very time and this meeting is a must-attend for us all as family members. Apologies to you sir, I cannot be available today.” 

If this is your first time saying something like this, they may be shocked or even angry at you but if you do it twice or thrice more, it will eventually sink into their heads that you are beginning to set boundaries and they ought to respect you. In the long run, their appetite to use you might go down, they will find someone else to do such menial jobs for them.      

Renegotiate your terms of employment
Sam could suggest to his boss to give him his money directly so he can take care of his bills. He could argue, tactfully, by saying something like this: “Boss, there are things I can never tell you because they are personal to me. I don’t want to involve you in my nitty-gritty. I kindly suggest you pay me a salary so I can be able to plan for my money, so I don’t inconvenience you.”  

A patron who wants to keep you on a leash will feel offended that he is losing power over you but this will be a clear sign to him/her that someone wants out of the arrangement. If they are sensible and they value your contribution to them, they will loosen up or give up altogether and let you have new terms of employment.   

Make your moral stand clear
In many patronage relationships, the patron will often indulge the subordinate in unethical dealings. In such a case, the subordinate, like Sam, if they have any moral conscience, should politely decline to participate in such things by saying “NO”. Hold your ground. He could for instance say something like, “You are asking me to “cook” the accountability of the money you used outside your budget but I am sorry I can’t, it is against my conscience.” This might negatively set the boss against you but at least it lets them know that they will never get you involved in shady deals.  

Quit the job
If everything fails, then you have no choice but to quit. You are better without a patronising boss. But you need an exit strategy.