How to survive Valentine’s Day as a single in Kampala

The first months of the year are always dramatic. Life never settles down here. One moment youa re in the festive season, another moment you are dealing with the maid’s transfer season. Once you are out of the maid transfer season, you have NAM to deal with. As NAM is ongoing, you are hit with news that Pentagon will have to wait.  Then comes the heartbreaking school fees season. As you are keeping up with school fees, you are informed about the men’s conference. Then, the pending boyfriend/girlfriend transfer season. And then the mother of surprises; the realisation that you can only vote for Juma Wasswa Balunywa if you are a MUBS student.

Ugandans have now petitioned that government should quickly address this Juma Waswa Balunywa issue once and for all, we should be allowed to vote for one of our own. ‘Gitekeeyo…ekiribeera ku MUBS…’ Then in this mix, we have also come to learn of a one Baby Deo. There is too much to handle.

In this chaos, there is still you, there is still her, there is still him, the people that cannot find a Valentine’s date. Stated simply, the singles. In fact, almost everyone in Kampala is single. You can be in a relationship in Kampala and still be single. You can be married and single. It only happens in Kampala. But worry not, there are some ways to survive this Valentine’s Day…

1. Spoil the day for others

The rule of life has always been that if you cannot get a seat at the table, spoil the table. Invest some money in buying random gifts, random flowers. Show up at different workplaces and send them to a random name. Send them to Mercy in HR. Let her receive three of them that day. Because why on earth is one person receiving three packages on this day? Send a message to a random number pouring out your heart. If the world cannot give you peace, do not give them any peace. On that evening, show up and do nothing but sabotage. Close the water supply just after someone’s date has taken a long call. See if they walk out without flashing. Be a spoiler my single friend. You cannot cry alone.

2. Randomly shout Juma Wasswa Balunywa

Go to a crowded place and scream; ‘Juma Wasswa Balunywa.’ Interrupt a band performance with ‘JWB anhaaa…’  Go to a queue at Internal Affairs and scream your lungs out; ‘enooo penny penny…’ If you cannot vote for Balunywa, you can tell others about him. Call one of the telecom service providers and ask about JWB. Send messages to random numbers reminding them to protect JWB’s vote. Again, it is about distracting yourself as a single person.

3. Attend the Men’s Conference

I do not know the women’s equivalent of men’s conference. Is it sending themselves flowers? Like is there an equivalent of selfies but for gifts? Mbu several people these days purchase their own gifts. This self-love gospel is going to bring us issues. But for the men, Arua is the place. Board that bus and go attend the men’s conference. Go question the inflationary aspects of transport money. Who decides the fee? Based on what? What about the men that are distorting the dating market?

4. Join the partner transfer market

Just because you are single now, does not mean you cannot end the day in happiness. Hang around the dating spots, there is always going to be several broken hearts. You can choose to be a mender of broken hearts on this day. Hover around people’s WhatsApp statuses, the memes will tell you something. When people start posting Jamal’s music lyrics, they are communicating. That they have been offloaded by their clubs. You know everyone is a football player in this Kampala. There are people secretly playing for more than one club. Some people’s clubs are in the lower division. With all the broken hearts on this day, you cannot fail to pick a player on free transfer. Seriously how?

5. Attend the Decadenians AGM in Jinja

There is a club of men in Luzira. They have a lifetime president, a one MC Heno, he is organising a mega AGM in Jinja. This is the time to join that club. Go disturb them, tell them that you want to join the queue of being president. Stand there and face the wrath of the members as they tell you; ‘ffe Twagala Heno nga Ssente.’ But on a serious note, are there men who still do Guinness with Coca Cola? And when did this madness of taking beer with a straw start?

6. Diss a Ugandan lawyer

Just pick a fight with a Ugandan lawyer. And see them retreat to the same scare tactics; ‘you will soon hear from us…’ But honestly, where do Ugandan lawyers live? Why do they think every argument is a moment of jurisprudence? Why always remind us about litigation? Lawyers please, we know you are broke. Temutukangakanga… but for this Valentine’s Day, diss a Ugandan lawyer, after all, they are always single!

7. Find a way to build Pentagon

Now that you are foolish enough to follow me to this end, then I have trust in you. I trust you can ensure Pentagon is built. You can ensure that Gravity Omutujju constructs a hospital in Busabala. Make this a Valentine ’s Day to remember.

Twitter: ortegatalks