Intimacy in Ramadan: What are the limits?

Hello, I need some guidance on how best to relate with my spouse during Ramadan; can we kiss, hug or cuddle while fasting? Will this not compromise our fasting? Our, mostly young readers, reached out, echoing many concerned voices out there.

Before addressing the questions, Imam Ahmad Kyeyune, a popular scholar trained in Saudi Arabia, first, clarifies; what is forbidden in Ramadan, such as gossiping, gambling, fornication and slander, among others, is forbidden even after Ramadan.

“The emphasis is just stricter now because of the sanctity of Ramadan,” he told Daily Monitor.

During Ramadan, which lasts 29 or 30 days, adult Muslims must abstain from eating, drinking, having sexual intercourse or anything that might break their fast during the day. Those exempted are the sick, travellers and women who are menstruating, breastfeeding and pregnant women.

What Quran says

According to Quran 2:187, “It is made lawful for you to have sexual relations with your wives on the night of fasting. They are garments for you and you are garments for them. Allah knows that you used to deceive yourselves, so He turned to you (accepted your repentance) and forgave you…” sex is allowed during Ramadan nights between the married. But it is abominable during day. So, whoever engages in intercourse during the day during Ramadan commits a grave sin and must offer expiation (kafaarah).

Kyeyune, however, adds that kissing, hugging, cuddling, intimate talk are allowed during fasting “if you have control.” He cited that Prophet Muhammad (Peace Be Upon Him) used to kiss his wives during Ramadan days, according to one of his wives Aa’isha. “But note that he was the master of self-control.  So, it is allowed, if you can control yourself,” Kyeyune says.

The importance of control here is that if any such acts of intimacy results in ejaculation, it nullifies one’s fasting.  Worse still, intimacy without control may descend into real sexual intercourse during day.

A hefty price you pay

If you really take your religion seriously, you should avoid tempting situations, especially during Ramadan because once you sin to the extent that nullifies your fast, you will pay a hefty price.

For instance, when you engage in sexual intercourse during the day in Ramadan, when you are obliged to fast, you must offer expiation. In the olden days, the first option was freeing a slave, which was quite expensive. Nowadays, you should fast for 60 consecutive days. If you cannot, you must feed 60 poor people.

Sheikh Abdulrahman Mukisa, a Master’s graduate from Madina, Saudi Arabia, says if a married person engages in sexual intercourse during the day in Ramadan, they must repent for such a grave sin, must continue fasting on that day even though that day’s fasting is invalid, and must repay that day, before starting the 60-day expiation.

Scholars slightly differed on whether there is an exception for women regarding these penalties.

What if the wife was coerced into sex? Was ignorant about the prohibition or she forgot about the prohibition?

Many cited the Quran to assert that anyone can be forgiven in case of ignorance or forgetfulness. But the most preferred position is that if the wife had intercourse willingly, she must observe expiation just like her husband.

Scholars also agree that the 60-day expiation covers one day when intercourse happened during fasting, no matter how many times.

But if intercourse happened on several days, one must fast 60 consecutive days for each day the sanctity of the sacred month was broken.

Sheikh Mukisa adds that research shows situations that can allow someone to pause the fasting during expiation. For instance, sickness, menstruation or if the fasting coincides with Eid al-Adha, since fasting on Eid is prohibited. 

Dating, marrying, interfaith relationships

Imam Kyeyune says Islam strictly prohibits cohabiting and interfaith relationships at all times and more so during Ramadan.

“But a Muslim (man or woman) in such a prohibited relationship must observe fasting,” he says.

What is best for them, Kyeyune emphasises, is realigning their relationships with the Islamic principles.

He adds that to maximise the abundant rewards of Ramadan and minimise on the risk of temptation, Muslims should read or listen to the Holy Quran more, feed the needy, perform Taraweh (the long congregational night prayers, which are exclusive to Ramadan) and spend more time in the mosque, dedicating oneself to supplication and prayer.

“It is meaningless to stay in the mosque while enjoying content on TikTok,” he adds.

Courtship

Meanwhile, courtship within the Sharia boundaries is acceptable during Ramadan. Exchanging gifts between a couple that is intending to marry soon, is highly encouraged. But in case the dating does not result in marriage, Kyeyune advises, do not claim that iPhone, or car back. Just move on.

Muslims, especially in Uganda, have a tendency of marrying towards or during Ramadan. It is okay, but whoever intends to do this should not expect any special treatment, no matter how high the levels of affection. Sex, just as food, will be prohibited to the newlyweds during day. So, would it not be wiser to wed at least three weeks before Ramadan to minimise the risk of temptation? Over to you.

Balance the spirituality and intimacy

It is fully addressed by Islamic Sharia-based conditions as to whether or not Muslim women can have sex during Ramadan. Prohibited during the daytime to uphold the sanctity of fasting, sexual relations are permitted during the night after breaking the fast, as explicitly stated in the Quran (Al-Baqarah 2:187).

The guidelines provide a delicate balance between fulfilling marital duties and adhering to the spiritual obligations of Ramadan. However, individuals observing I’tikaf  (an Islamic practice consisting of a period of staying in a mosque for a certain number of days, devoting oneself to ibadah during these days and staying away from worldly affairs) are exempt from this permission.