My boyfriend’s family is too traditional

I recently went with my boyfriend to his village and all was well until his father called to say he would join us for lunch. I thought we would all sit and eat together as a family, but when the food was served, I was told to eat in another room since it is taboo to watch my father-in-law eat. 

I also noticed that the men were served food first while women had to wait and eat after the men had finished. I am taught to respect my father-in-law and I know how to do this but this kind of cat and mouse is hard. At some point I felt as an intruder. What should I do?   Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
Your question is valid and I guess you are not alone when it comes to cultural shock. A relationship might start with two people but it will definitely involve other significant people in the life of your spouse and even yours. This is when you will see signs of a serious partner especially if it will end in a marriage.

The experience you found at your boyfriend’s village is bound to happen given the fact that culture influences expectations. Playing the cat and mouse game might look odd but it is a way of showing respect in their culture and short of this you may not be accepted.
Take time to ask your boyfriend what these actions mean in his culture and if possible find out more information from him. 

This will enable you to decide if you are ready to compromise for the sake of love or not. It is better to find out early what you can adjust to instead of accepting to get married to your boyfriend and then you become defiant. This can cause bitterness later in life.

It is also possible that these cultural acts are only happening in the village which you might visit once in a while. Communicating about this in detail will enable you to find out your boyfriend’s perspectives on this topic. 

In case he does not require the same kind of treatment where you serve him food alone then you can weigh the situation and decide if you can compromise in the village. Remember, it is important to follow your heart and do that which you think you can manage.

 However, being rebellious after accepting to join his culture might lead to stress in the relationship. Remember marriage is cultural, spiritual, social, and financial among others. This means that in one way or another, you will need to discuss most of these elements of a relationship so you make an informed decision.
Evelyn Evelyn Kharono Lufafa, Counselling psychologist 

Readers' advice

Talk to him
Martin Ssebyala
Talk about your fears with your boy friend. If he understands you as is flexible to you then it’s fine. Just make sure you are as well able to understand the parents so that in their presence you act as required. Love is about understanding, flexibility, sacrifice and compromise.

Sacrifice for him
Jimmy Wester
But do you even give time to research about what culture you are getting yourself into? You cannot come from somewhere and want the culture of a people to change for you. If in him you see your husband, then follow the culture. It would be an issue if he treated you like that at home. If he handles you well, then endure for just the few days you are in the village. Love is about sacrifice, long-suffering and patience. I believe your own culture has its own norms. He too must honour it when he comes to your village. But the big deal here is that you ought to understand the culture first before you commit. 

Just style up
Anne Lubwa
So you wanted to see your father in-law eat? What kind of a bride to be are you? I think you are the one with a problem. Naturally, in a home setting when serving food the men’s share is taken first then the ladies settle down and eat. Women cook and serve therefore, it cannot be done in reverse.

Please  understand 
Chrismas M Khan
You should have got to understand where he comes from and see if you can surely manage to live with him. You either choose to adopt the so called taboos or else find your way out. If you are really not ready to respect their culture, then move out.

Marry from your culture
Charlotte A Cherlyl
Marry from your culture if you feel you cannot change from what you know. Otherwise when in Rome you must behave as Romans do. 
Let  go of him
Generous Nakie
If you feel that is a big problem and are not ready to  be part of such traditions, better let him go before it is too late. Otherwise I do not see any issue in not letting you sit in the same room with your father in-law while eating.

Just accept it
Elas Jason
Just as institutions , families have their rules and command respect in their own way. Just accept it the way you will accept his surname to be your name too.

Embrace the culture
Martin Mugabi
The family is not traditional. It is absurd to see many people embracing foreign cultures while hating our own African traditional cultures . I think this is not such a big issue, especially since you do not have to live with your in-laws to be.