My husband finally told me I am ugly

I have always known that I am not the most beautiful woman in the world. However, seven years ago, God gave me a husband who made me feel so loved and beautiful that I started to believe I was beautiful. However, last weekend, my husband had some friends over for a football game. While in the kitchen making them some snacks and drinks, I overheard them making fun of my appearance. One of them asked my husband how he could stomach sleeping with me in the same bed every night. I waited, expecting my prince to defend me to his last breath but he did not. He actually joined in the ridicule. I have not confronted him yet and I do not think it is even worth it. How do I continue living with someone who thinks so little of me?

Judith

Dear Judith,

Sorry you had to endure such a cruel moment. Your husband’s behaviour was harsh and disrespectful and you do not deserve to be treated in such a manner. You deserve to feel loved and cherished, which is a universal need. Ideally, it is expected that your husband will protect you in such a scenario. However, it is also true that people’s true behaviours are tested during exciting moments and also very difficult moments. This may be the other side of your husband  you did not know.

As for now, prioritise yourself and your needs. What is happening has to do with your husband’s insecurities and not yours. Regain your sense of worth. Spend more time with supportive people who respect and love you for who you are and not what you are. Do things that make you happy and remember the qualities that make you amazing.

Find a calm moment after self-regulation and speak about what you heard with your husband. Let him know how bad you felt when he rubbished you in front of his friends. Let him know that such behaviour is unacceptable in a marriage.

Remember that his words should not necessarily define you. What you think of yourself is far more important than what someone else decides to think of you. Try to think of the beautiful things about you, there is no standard tool to follow for beauty. Beauty comes from the inside out. Feel it and believe it too.

You also have options of reaching out for help, especially on emotional abuse which in turn is domestic violence. Some organisations can support you as well but you have to choose what works best for you; these are only suggestions.

Take time to re-evaluate your relationship. Imagine a future where your husband respects you and loves you for who you are. This introspection can help you make informed decisions.

Seek counselling from a professional therapist who will help you navigate through this pain and give you skills to help boost your self-esteem and communication skills such that in future, you can make important decisions. In case your husband is willing, couple therapy could be the most appropriate tool to give you both a safe space to speak about the issue.

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Take your power back

Hajarah Namuddu. One thing I have learnt is that we must never rely on other people to give us validation. You will be surprised at how many times humans will let you down if you wait for them to validate you in any aspect. Put on your big girl pants and take back your power. Find that small voice, however low it sounds, that says you are beautiful. Start from there to build your journey of acceptance and freedom.

First, know who you are

Brendah Martha. It is important to know who you are. Do not seek validation from man. Society will always tell you what they think you are but take that power away from them and define yourself. Your correct definition is in God.

You are beautiful

Noella Patience. I would like to know if you still went ahead to serve them the snacks. I would just head out for a walk or nap and let them serve themselves. But you need to find validation within yourself. Relying on someone else’s opinion to determine your worth and beauty is like giving them all rights to treat you as they wish while you have to stomach the emotional rollercoaster.

May be it was a joke

Henry Kawuma. The good thing is that he has never told you that you are ugly. I think he loves you, so wait and never share what you heard until he tells you, it might be a joke in front of his friends.

Confront him

Davez Akampa. You should confront him. It is true we might go for the not good looking women for certain reasons but condoning ridicule from friends is not acceptable. He should have defended you.

Relax and enjoy your life

Miriam James Mazura. If you know it is true, then just relax and enjoy the marriage. After all, you have been married for quite a while now. He has himself to deal with.

God knew you before all

Precious Trudy Nabaweesi. My dear Judith, before anyone else set their eyes on you, God knew you and loved you to the core. His unfailing love is sufficient for us all.

You are loved

Veronica Muwonge. The fact that he married you means you were the most beautiful woman for him. You are loved and blessed.

He still loves you

Harriet Sheryl. He just never wanted to let down his friends. He wanted the conversation to flow but deep down, he knows you are beautiful. Do not worry.

Find your inner beauty

Gaborns Isaac Wesongah. You are beautiful in God’s eyes and I believe some people appreciate you and compliment you. The most beautiful part of a human being is the inner beauty but not the face or figure. Appreciate and love yourself.

Evelyn Khorono Lufafa is a counselling psychologist with Sermotherapy Counselling Foundation