She is HIV-positive but I don’t want to leave her

I have been dating this woman for nine months. She is of good character and we are deeply in love. Recently, we decided to go for an HIV test, where she tested positive while I was found to be negative. The results were devastating since we had already started planning a future together. She now says I should be understanding and support her as she goes through this difficult time. However, I think the right thing to do is to end the relationship but I am also worried that a breakup might cause depression and other adverse effects on her health. The main thing to understand here is that I still love her very much and would not want to do anything to hurt her. How should I handle this situation?

Anonymous           

Dear Anonymous,

This seems like a tough decision for you. Love is a beautiful experience and no wonder, when one is in love, they do not want it to end. The thought of quitting a relationship comes with negative feelings, especially the fear of the unknown.

Testing for HIV, sickle cell as well as other diseases together with your partner is a sign of taking responsibility. It is important to take time and think about the decision you are taking after knowing each other’s status. I am sure deciding to end the relationship for the sake of preventing further infection is a sign of caring about each other.

Marriage is a decision that should not depend on feelings alone. For example, if you both decide to continue the relationship based on feelings, then this would  be the wrong decision since feelings do not last.

Seek counselling from qualified HIV counsellors at the nearest heath centre. This way, you will be equipped with knowledge about HIV and this knowledge will enable you make an informed decision based on facts about HIV, its progression and about discordancy.

Even when you decide to carry on with the relationship, get appropriate information. There are many things you can do to show each other that you care even when you decide to end the relationship and this includes seeking therapy to help your girlfriend cope after learning about her positive status.

Remember, this will involve phases of anger, denial and even depressive moments. This means you need external professional support so that you can be helped to learn new ways of coping with the situation.

Also, educate yourself about HIV; what it is, how it is and is not transmitted, how it is treated, and how people can stay healthy with HIV. Having a solid understanding of HIV is a big step forward in supporting your loved one and reassuring them that HIV is a manageable health condition.

For example, there are many internet resources such as HIV.gov’s pages that are an excellent sources of information to familiarise yourself with HIV. Have these pages available for your newly diagnosed girlfriend if they want them. Knowledge is empowering, but keep in mind that she may not want the information right away.

It is also important for people with HIV to take their HIV medicine exactly as prescribed. Ask your girlfriend what you can do to support them in establishing a medication routine and sticking to it.

Ask what other needs she might have and how you can help her stay healthy. Learn more about treatment adherence and get tips for sticking to a treatment plan.

Lastly, take care of yourself and get support if you need it. Turn to others for any questions, concerns, or anxieties you may have, so that the person who is diagnosed can focus on taking care of their own health. But always respect the privacy of the loved one with HIV.

Reader advice

Talk to a counsellor

Diana Nanyumba. There are many discordant couples living happily and raising beautiful families. Seek professional help from counsellors and doctors with a special interest in HIV and you will be surprised.

You can be together

Emmanuelle Otim. You can have a happy relationship as long as she is taking her drugs properly. And it is also possible for you to stay HIV-negative. Talk to professionals who will tell you how this can be done.

Offer her all the help

Moses Kaleghire. It could be true that you love each other. My only advice is that you keep helping her in any way possible but avoid any sexual contact until you get the necessary counselling and information on how to protect yourself.

Be her friend

Joseph Kintu. Be supportive in all her life struggles. Love is unconditional, but relationships are not. So, end the relationship but always help her in case she needs a shoulder to lean on.

Knowing status is key

Henry Kiramba. Being HIV-positive does not criminalise her. This is the time she needs your care more for her to live a long life. Good enough you now know each other’s status; a good thing for both of you. We should not welcome only good things in life because the bad sides also give us a chance to learn a lot of things. For example, in this case, you will be able to show her more care than ever before.

Be careful

Nana Damalie. The biggest challenge majority face in relationships is that you can decide to be there for someone through thick and thin and they pay you back with hatred and zero appreciation of your patience. So, be careful when choosing to stay with her....think twice and then make a decision.

Do not leave her

Benbella Rubaranga. You cannot end a good relationship that is going somewhere on the basis of the woman being HIV-positive. The good thing is that you tested early and there are a number of interventions that can be taken to keep you HIV free while enjoying your marriage to her. Go and talk to doctors.

Do not marry her

Phoebe Miriam. Do not gamble with your life. Remain a shoulder for her to cry on and support her as a friend, but do not marry her since it would involve having children, which will complicate your health. Sit her down and talk about the future of the relationship and let her understand the reasons you might decide to end it. However, be the friend she needs right now.

Evelyn Khorono Lufafa is a counselling psychologist with Sermotherapy Counselling Foundation