Visited the gods at Tanda, confused by enkudi and Uganda’s Nouveux-Rich

I had some time on my sleeves this week, so I decided to drive to Mityana and surprise one of my uncles. This road must have the most traffic officers per capita. I kept playing my chances wondering at what point I would be stopped. Indeed, one finally stopped me. He asked for my driving permit before commenting; ‘but us in Teso, we do not have Rs in our names, where are you from?’ I told the Afande that it would be a long story.

The Afande insisted on the story, and I cooked something people. Life is about cooking. At the end of the cooking, he was such a happy man. Like a true comrade, he fisted me, aka kubongad with me and told me to go. He even reminded me that I should check out one of my brake lights. At this rate, I am glad to inform you people that I have been upgraded to the gamba n’ogu movement. 

Anyway, I arrived in Mityana and this uncle of mine was nowhere nearby. Kwegamba I had surprised myself. Luckily, I had passed the Tanda sign-point, so I resolved that today was the day I would visit Tanda. I have been to all the other religious and spiritual sites, but Tanda has always played far from me. I thus launched a new mission; ‘Project Tanda’ and off I went. 
I branched off to Tanda, and a whole new world opened. At some point I was lost, and I asked a gentleman; “ssebo, Tanda eliwa?” He responded that everywhere I stood was Tanda. I insisted on the one where Walumbe’s holes are found. He directed me. Friends this is where the real story starts.

At the gate of Tanda, I read so many rules. I approached one of the gentlemen and informed him that I was here to tour the place. He directed me to pay the entrance fee of Shs2,000. Now to pay this, you must kneel and place the money in a sisal basket. From this point, I was directed to take off my shoes for the sanitisation stage. Eiish, I was like, this is the opportunity to ground. I freely abandoned my shoes. This lady sprinkled water all over me then asked me to make another payment of Shs1,000 plus my prayer request. I said I had come to tour. 

Now I was holy enough to drive into the Tanda site. When I reached the parking yard, my car was the cheapest of the day. I humbly went out of my car. Everyone at Tanda seemed busy with their prayer requests. There were even Muslims at some spot. For fear of committing spiritual mistakes, I consulted another fellow and he assigned me a guide. 

The tours of the different deities started. I was particularly excited by Mama Nakayima and Jajja Kaliisa, these ones are Chwezi gods. They only receive milk and milk products. And they only entertain ebyanzi. There was also Jajja Kiwanuka (the god of the sounds), he is the man that brings thunder. I asked my guide whether this is the shrine that resurrects music careers. Then there is the stubbornest of shrines, the one of Jajja Bamweyana. It was even decorated in Rastafarian colours. Bamweyana is the one for wealth, creativity, but his genius also tends to come with some madness. 

At the end of my tour, my guide received his Shs5,000. I signed out of Tanda, a bit scared, but also excited. In one go, I had experienced about 10 deities. Surely, there is no way Commander MK will forget me. I am always on ground. Who else can conduct a whole tour barefooted? 

Then someone told me about Lil Pazo and his song Enkudi’mbu it is one of the trending songs. I suspect in Uganda, you just need to invent some word, if it has a mystery to it, Ugandans will fall for it. Ugandans love ga-stories, all sorts of stories. You just need to cook something. Because what in the world is enkudi? It sounds like some sort of umbilical cord, the kind that connects the slayers of Najjera and Bulindo to the sponsors in Bugolobi. 

But I also have some questions ba people. What businesses are Ugandans doing? When I pass by the roadsides, I see the same businesses. I see boutiques, some liquor shops, a few hardware shops here and there. I do not see any major business. When I read in the news, I do not hear of any ground-breaking technological companies in the country. But then, the cars on the roads speak a different story. People where are you getting the money? Read in for us (mutusomeremu). Where are your businesses located? Oba you are using the bwongo? 

The best business in Uganda must be the one of  ‘deal-making.’ Nothing else can explain the new prosperity in Kampala. Dining lounges are the new thing in Kampala and its suburbs. Something is always popping up. But let me not hate naye ka-speed does not correlate with the businesses ku-ground. 
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