Ways to make co-parenting a stress-free exercise

Nelson and Jane have been separated for three years now. They are trying to raise their two young children jointly but separately; “It did not work out but we have children between us and we must raise them regardless,” says Nelson. They now have a co-parenting relationship. 

James P. McHale, Ph.D., and Kristin M. Lindahl, in their book, Coparenting: A Conceptual and Clinical Examination of Family Systems (2011), define co-parenting as “an enterprise undertaken by two or more adults who together take on the care and upbringing of children for whom they share responsibility.”

This can mean two parents previously romantically involved, who have separated or divorced, but who are still caring for their children. It can also mean two adults, not necessarily romantically involved, who choose to take care of a child or children. We see this common here in Uganda, where upon the death of one parent, the other parent raises the child jointly with another relative(s).  

This relationship can be sticky and ineffective for the co-parents and children alike, but there are ways it can be made effective. The principle is to have a child-centred approach that aims for the children’s well-being and this is how:  

Personal healing
If co-parenting is going to work, both partners must or should endeavor to heal from their broken relationship. Unhealed co-parents are those you will find oppressing their children in revenging over their exes or denying the co-parent to see or visit their child. Of course this may not come instantly because a lot of emotions are still involved but with time co-parents can heal and move on to take care of their children.   

Keep the quarrels private
Yes it did not work out and there is a probability that the beef still exists and the squabbling will continue. This is normal. But how about you kept them to a minimum? The plan here is to keep your children at the centre of your focus. You do not want them to be part of your drama because it is unhealthy for them. Resist the temptation to talk trash about your ex-partner to your children whether in their presence or absence. You want your children to still respect them and decide what to think about them for themselves: 
“We fought a lot when we lived together, but since our separation, we decided to keep our fights private, away from the children. They are his children and they owe him respect,” says Florence.    

Be civil
The appetite for revenge and to hurt the other partner may still be high.  Agree to relate amicably. “He pays the school fees and the medical requirements and I take care of their day-to-day needs. We are dating different people. We only come together for the kids; nothing more, nothing less”, says Margaret. Don’t do something that will upset the other partner say, don’t take your new partner to the children’s birthday party or school sporting event in the presence of your ex-partner parent when the separation or divorce is still fresh. You don’t want to raise emotions and cause fights. It is prudent to restrain yourself wisely even when you have the right to.    

Disrupt not the children’s routines
 It is emotionally and mentally difficult for the children when their parents separate. As parents adjust to a new way of a separate or divorced life, the children will most likely be affected. Remember, children thrive better with routines and predictability. 

To safeguard them from unpredictability, the co-parents can agree to keep a consistent and regular schedule they are used to. For instance, if they usually visit their grandparents every holiday, keep it that way, if they are used to going out every once a month, keep it that way. Keep the daily routines routine say bedtimes, meal times, and screen controls, regardless of whether the children are in either home.  

Spend with the children
 Usually, mothers will spend more time with the children because they are usually given custody. It is the fathers who have to intentionally make time to be with the children. This can be tough for them but all efforts have to be made to do it. Remember, you may have little time to be a parent (maybe because of the custodial limitations like weekend visitation rights) but you are still a full-time parent. And when you have the children, Daddy, it should not always be fun and games, KFC, and going out…but you can also help the children with doing their homework, or engage them in doing house chores. 

Communicate regularly
 The relationship broke down probably because of a lack of or poor communication. Do not allow this to continue in your co-parenting relationship except that in this relationship, you may have to keep it business-like (the way you would communicate to a workmate or neighbour) and strictly about the children. Do not communicate through the children or put the children in the middle. 

Establish boundaries
 You cannot imagine a co-parenting relationship without boundaries. There must be physical boundaries (agreed days or times to drop off and pick up the children), financial boundaries: (who of the co-parents pays for what and when), emotional and intimate boundaries (you cannot be separated and still go over to his place to spend nights there!). 

Boundaries allow the couple time to obtain mental and emotional clarity, evaluate their options, and decide whether the relationship is worth losing or pursuing. It is a good time to reflect.  

Find someone to talk 
Co-parenting is not easy it can be a bag of mixed emotions, highs, and lows. You want someone to talk to in those dark and difficult times. A good friend or relative can hear you out and you can let off steam without being judged.  Co-parenting can be effective if both parents purpose to put aside their egos and cooperate to care for their children.

Make peace with yourself

No control 
 It is difficult to imagine that another person will play your parenting role when they move into your ex’s life, especially if your ex is the one living with the children. You have no control over their decision. The best thing to do is to make peace with it. Do not harass your ex’s new partners. This is unnecessary.