Uganda announces taxes on tax 

Government has its itchy finger on the trigger, again. This time, it has our income in its crosshairs. 

The government, by proposing a slew of new taxes on signal products such as fuel and building materials in the next financial year, is threading the needle stitching up the already high cost of living. 

But, we ask, what’s wrong with suffering from extortionate taxes?

Taxes are good. High taxes are even better.

To be sure, taxes are the price we pay to enjoy the pleasure of NRM rule. So why not pay them with a smile as sunny as the yellow in NRM party colours? 

Besides, URA, also known as the ‘Uganda Restroom Appointees’ because whoever it appoints to collect taxes really gets the taxpayer’s bowel movements going, toilet-ward.   

That’s because there is no negotiating table in their mental furniture, they are simply hell-bent on collecting taxes regardless of whether you can pay or pray. 

In God they trust, the rest of us must pay cash, they say. 

We must embrace taxes as they come with tax incentives that will deliver on the promised benefits of NRM rule. 

Those benefits involve tax breaks, exemptions, and credits for everyone who is a foreign investor and the reverse for indigenous investors.

I mean, come on, this is important. 

Indigenous investors are simply Ugandan jokers who may raise enough money to turn the NRM into a joke. So they must be impoverished in the name of attracting investment, creating non-paying jobs, and stimulating economic growth and inactivity. 

We all know that Uganda’s taxation landscape faces several challenges, the most pronounced being its low blow tax-to-GDP ratio.

Must be collected
This must be corrected. And since many Ugandan taxmen tend to mix up their Ls and Rs, it must be collected.  

So a collection bonanza by URA is just what the doctor ordered to positively impact on exports, employment, or foreign direct investment (FDI). 

As a consequence, the government is leveraging VAT, property tax, and corporate income tax to make sure that there is Shs2 billion available for State House to spend each day.

Also, we need taxes to pay Members of Parliament so they can be paid off by a State House using that same Shs2 billion to lease instead of buy the MPs.

Oh yes, the government does not want to buy the Honourable.    

That’s because goods once bought cannot be returned. Yet the government needs to return the MPs to their seats so they can be leased again, every election cycle. 

So take that I-am-watching-the-Israel/Hamas war-on-CNN frown off your face and be happy that the money you pay in taxes is paying for a politician to take their children to elite schools in Switzerland as the education system in Uganda goes belly up. 

Taxes also cover the costs of taking politicians and their families to be treated abroad as the average Ugandan dies in local hospitals thanks to the absence of a proper healthcare system. 

Didn’t Jesus tell you that the poor are happy? 

They should be as some of our tax shillings find their way into offertory bags which have turned men of God into gods among men. 

Taxes are so beautiful that if they were in a beauty pageant, they would win first place on account of their cheques appeal. I mean, who needs sex appeal? 

The world will be a better place when everyone has been taxed into the ground, then the peace of the graveyard can reign. 

Reign forever; reign like bad weather falling as the showers of a downpour… also pronounced as down poor…leaving us all wet like a dream rated X. 

No, we are not talking about the microblogging site formerly known as Twitter. 

This is bigger than social media; it is even bigger than the lie that we are a Third World country. We are not. 

Our taxes have elevated us to a First World Country, thereby leapfrogging the non-existent Second World countries. 

You see, we could only be able to pay so many taxes because our citizens are ready and able to do so. We are indeed loaded.

In fact, Ugandans are so rich that every time they pay new taxes, they have energy to expend on making noise about new taxes. Can you believe that?  

The government can. 
That is why it will soon introduce taxes on taxes. So every time you pay a tax, you will be taxed for paying that tax. 

Disclaimer: This is a parody column