Does your parenting style apply in a modern era?

What you need to know:

  • While parents subscribe to different parenting styles, modern parents, are constantly reminded that discipline is key. Experts says parents should support their children to practice decision-making skills in the safety of the family environment, without necessarily bending the rules.

If you were born in 1960s, 70s and 80s, you should recall that parenting back then was hell-bent on don’ts rather than the dos. Most of us were raised to take orders from our parents and chances of negotiating were very minimal. Parenting then was more authoritative and parents came off as kings.

“My father’s word was final. Beyond 6pm, no one was allowed to come home. You had to sleep where you were and return the next day. We were many girls at home and my parents never entertained boys in our homestead, not even our classmates,” says Stella Arinaitwe.

Arinaitwe says she does not remember a time when her parents sought her views as a child on decisions that they made when she was growing up. She says: “Things had to work their way. No amount of explanation was welcome even on the simplest of issues. We had to take orders or be beaten.”

Arinaitwe, a mother of two, says if there is anything she learnt from her parents, it is discipline, respect and orderliness. She, however, wants to create a good relationship with her children. She believes in a democratic way of parenting.

Would you want to raise a child in the 21st Century, the way you were raised? Ali Bin Abi Thalibhe, the first male convert to Islam, once stated: “You cannot raise your children the way your parents raised you. Because your parents raised you for a world that no longer exists.”

According to Manuela Pacutho Mulondo, the chief executive officer of The Cradle - a child care and lactation centre, the traditional way of parenting helps in creating boundaries, but may not apply in a world that is largely driven by technology. She says beyond listening to instructions and adhering to rules, traditional parenting does not give children a chance to express their views.

“The don’ts were more then but none of them ever came with a clear explanation. Our parents were not interested in negotiating, but rather focused on obedience without considering the child’s feelings,” she says.
Although she mentions this type of parenting was good for that time, she is quick to note that parenting styles have evolved over the years to accommodate change.

“Children are now born into a world of social media and evolving technologies. Instead of being too authoritarian, we ought to invest in creating and maintaining a positive relationship with our children. As a parent, it is important to explain reasons behind your every rule and give your children a chance to take on challenges and solve problems,” she says.

Give them a chance to dream big
Pacutho says parents must be aware that they are grooming a generation that will last for many years and critical thinking is key.

For instance, if you find your child climbing up a window, the traditional way would be to shout at them to get off the window. You will hear statements like, how many times will I keep repeating myself?” But have you asked the child why they keep climbing the window? As a child at that age, they are not thinking of falling, but they want to be like superman, fly an aeroplane or be like a bird. So, if you beat them, they will think you are beating them for being superman and frustrating their dreams,” she says.

She says before beating a child, a parent ought to listen to what they think or have to say. She adds that sometimes children see things in a way that parents have not considered.

In her book Stop! Listen to Your Child Think, Pacutho talks about the fundamental foundational life skill that is unchangeable in the face of changing generations, technology and culture. She says this skill is a missing ingredient in many African homes, yet it has a bearing on communities, economies and political systems. She provides a simple guide to help parents dive deep into the possibilities of changing Africa’s narrative through a re-alignment parenting methods.

“In the wake of the 4th industrial revolution, I wondered if I was raising my children for the unknown future. I learnt from a wise old friend that change is here and we ought to align our cultural core values and prepare the younger generation for it,” she says.

Pick a leaf from every generation
Monica Lubega, a mother of three, says there are valuable lessons modern parents can learn from the traditional way of parenting. “For instance, respect, kindness, compassion, empathy, patience, forgiveness, honesty, hardwork and discipline will remain relevant even in generations to come. These are not values we should forfeit,” she says.

Lubega says unlike in the past, where parents talked to children and taught them morals through storytelling, millennial parents are too busy to spend time with their children. She says television, computers and househelps have become children’s new companions as parents are focusing on making money.

Self-discovery
Sam Gombya, a father and counsellor, says the traditional way of parenting had its advantages, especially discipline. He, however, says self-discovery was never given a chance to thrive. He says parents back in the day, believed that successful children did courses such as medicine and engineering while those who did music, were believed to be a disgrace.
“My six year old enjoys watching Discovery Channel. During his free time, he digs up tunnels in the garden. As a parent, help your child to create something with their ideas,” he says.

Discipline
While parents subscribe to different parenting styles, modern parents, are constantly reminded that discipline is key. Experts says parents should support their children to practice decision-making skills in the safety of the family environment, without necessarily bending the rules. Children shouald also be exposed to different avenues of learning besides academic work in order to develop their talents.