How Kayaga overcame societal pressure

What you need to know:

Defying odds. Despite immense pressure from her relatives to get married at a young age, Julianna Kayaga Sseremba decided to pursue her goals, writes Pauline Bangirana.

At the age of 17, when Julianna Kayaga was joining university, her parents asked her to remain focused, avoid distractions and aim at completing her university course. As she said goodbye to one of her aunts, she made a comment that would leave a dent in her life and perhaps shaped her thoughts for the years to come. “Since you are joining university, we expect you to come back with a husband,” her aunt said.
This came as a shock to Kayaga because she thought university was about education. Unfortunately for her, after her university education, she did not have the husband that she had been asked to return home with.
“There is a checklist that society has come up with that one has to conform to, which is very unfortunate. The pressure that society mounts on the girl child at every stage is infuriating,” Kayaga says with a smirk on her face.

No limits
Kayaga reminisces her old school days and recalls she was more friendly to men, who became so protective of her and treated her like a sister. According to Kayaga, in a man’s world, there are no limits, something that perhaps inspired her to look at life in a different lens, considering that she was more preoccupied with achieving her goals. Kayaga says dating or marriage were not anywhere close to her agenda.
“I experienced myself and people around me were talking about it. This was something that needed to be challenged because at first, it was felt by the women but even men are experiencing it. Many people have been forced into bad relationships owing to societal pressure,” she says.
Every one of us has been through moments when society has not only judged us but also tried to establish a timeline for one to achieve certain milestones in life. Perhaps you have completed university and everyone in your family is now asking when you are getting married. And when one does get married, society starts to question when the first baby will be born because they have unconsciously set the clock and assume that everyone should respond to the same template. Such questions are always directed to those without certain ‘achievements’.

The Katikiro of Buganda, Charles Peter Mayiga (L) launched Becoming Mrs James authored by Juliana Kayaga (R). photos by pauline bangirana.

Huge transition
“At that point, you are getting a young girl coming out of a sheltered structured life entering into a huge transition and under pressure to find a husband. Thrown into a deep end with all kinds of men, seeking casual sex, it is not a good state of mind for a young female be driven into any relationship,”
She adds: “When I graduated and got my first job, it was now an issue of being overly ambitious. I was asked to slow down, lest I scare men away. Similar comments were made when I expressed my intentions to pursue a master’s degree.”
In essence, society believes that in spite of the opportunities, a young woman should live a mediocre life, with hope that some man will have mercy and marry her.

Getting through
Kayaga says: “I had a good support system. I had older siblings who kept on encouraging me to focus on my goals, regardless. My mother had also challenged us to study more than she did. She graduated with her masters having studied it through cycles of painful chemotherapy to fight an aggressive cancer.”
She also boasts of people who have nurtured, mentored, challenged, cheered and coached her through her journey.
After dating for more than five years, Kayaga says her husband has been a source of support. She also prides in the fact that she has surrounded herself with likeminded people, whose approach towards life revolves around working hard, falling, picking each other up and celebrating small wins.
After having lived the timeline ordeal and pressures that come with living by the community clock, Kayaga birthed Becoming Mrs James, a book that narrates what goes on when all that is expected of you is everything else but one’s happiness.
Many years later, after graduating and gaining experience in human resource discipline, Kayaga discovered that some of these pressures affect the way one behaves even at places of work. This is what inspired her to write a book that will act as an organisational tool to help build relationships among employers, employees and also build better work environments.
Writing a book is perhaps an art a few have mastered. In her book, Kayaga emphasises the correlation between employees’ performance and what they go through in life, consciously and unconsciously.

Celebrate small wins
“I like to challenge myself and I celebrate all milestones. I am a certified coach and human resource professional, management consultant who loves to explore business opportunities,” Kayaga shares.
Born in a large family to Wasswa Collins Matuvu, a swimming coach and Josephine Kiwumulo Matovu, the late, Kayaga says her siblings describe her as secretive person who enjoyed her own company.
“As a child, I was addicted to reading and would pretend to be sleeping just so I could read a book. And from childhood to date, I read about three to four books a month.” Kayaga also facilitates a reading club every month that strives to nurture a reading culture among members. She believes that new bits of information empower people and make them knowledgeable. The more knowledge one has, the better-equipped they are to tackle any challenge.

Thinking of writing
For Kayaga, writing was something she thought about last year during the Harvest Institute when every participant was required to write a book. She recalls that during high school, she always wrote poems and short stories.
What started as an assignment, later changed into a project she grew passionate about. “I was writing about something that I had experienced. I am glad I did it,” Kayaga says.
Becoming Mrs James is about a transition from living a single life to marriage and experiences which shaped her decisions. However, Kayaga believes that everyone should be allowed to walk the journey at their own pace because how one’s journey goes should be their decision without fear of what society or anybody will say.
Kayaga believes that everyone deserves to shape their own perspectives about life without succumbing to intrusion. She believes in letting people enjoy the journey without following a checklist of say school, marriage, and children.

Empowering women
As she scribbled, having to look back at her fun moments was interesting and having to get the husband’s consent was tough because she was letting the reader in on some moments that were between her and her husband.
Through her writing, she believes she will empower women to walk the journey of single life without feeling guilty or answerable to anyone, especially about the decisions they make. Perhaps this approach will reduce domestic violence cases and increased mental health for women who are single, dating or married.
“People are suffering in silence. Due to cultural norms, one would rather stay in an abusive relationship than walk away. But it is okay to walk away and stay sane than stay for fear of what society will say,” she reveals.
One of the outstanding lessons that Kayaga shares in her book is character and value addition. She cautions people to be conscious about the words they say to their friends or relatives to avoid hurting them.
Kayaga appeals to organisations to be mindful of individuals in the workplace and what affects them and their work deliverables.
Kayaga believes that everyone has a role to play towards changing their current social norms and work towards creating safer work environments.

What others say
One of the things that has been greatly misinterpreted is love and Charles Peter Mayiga, the Katikiro (prime minister) of Buganda, says it is important that people do not take marriage for granted.
Alluding to the love language, Mayiga challenges every couple to understand their partner’s love language and maintain the communication flow in a relationship.

Background
Kayaga went to Nakasero Primary School, Makerere College School and Makerere University, where she graduated with a bachelor in Industrial and Organisation Psychology. She also holds a masters degree in organisational psychology. She launched her book, Becoming Mrs James at the Seven Trees Gradens in Kololo. She is married to James Sseremba and the two met in 2013 and have been married since 2017.