Marital woes: What not to tell parents

Robinah Nambwayo, 32, has been married for seven years. Two years ago, the mother of two discovered that her husband was cheating on her.

She was heartbroken and she demanded to know why husband was engaging in extramarital affairs, something that would jeopardise their marriage.

“My husband was not apologetic and remorseful. Efforts to talk through this issue were thwarted as he either made himself too busy or he chose not to have a conversation about this subject,” shares Nambwayo.

When she probed further, Nambwayo’s husband denied the allegations even when there was enough evidence to pin him.

“The last time I talked about it, he threatened to beat me up. At that point, I packed my bags and went home with my children,” she says.

She poured her heart out to her mother, who in turn raged with anger and saddened by her son in- law’s unbecoming behaviour.

Naturally, no parent wishes to see their child suffering and this perhaps explains why she advised her daughter not to return his house.

“I took care of you for many years. I will still care of you and your children. We have food and your children will go to schools we can afford. I will not let that man womanise and batter my daughter,” says Nambwayo’s mother.

Her sisters, after learning about her husband’s behaviour, advised her not to allow him to mistreat her in the name of marriage. Her family demanded an apology from their daughter’s husband and advised her to stay at home until the estranged husband picks her.

Ideally, what would be expected from a good man was to go and pick his wife but according to Nambwayo, her husband did not call to say sorry neither did he pick his wife from the in-laws.

Two months later, after reflection and meditation, Nambwayo realised that she still loved her husband despite what happened. She also realised that happiness was not only about her but her children as well.

She says she made up her mind to save her marriage because among other things in life, she needed her children to be raised in a typical family set-up. Nambwayo made a painful decision to return to her marital home.

Basing on Nambwayo’s story, who is the right person to talk to when one has marital issues? How much do you share with your parents or friends about your marriage? Is it risky to share every little detail about your relationship?

Samuel A Bakutana, a counselling psychologist says a woman who fails to use common sense regarding information management in her marriage will harvest disrespect for her man and will be despised all her life.
He says not everything happening in your marriage needs to be known by your parents, family or friends.

His faults
“Your husband’s faults, bad habits and personal weaknesses are some of the things you should think twice before you spew out in the public. When you lay him bare before your parents, the next time you say positive things about him, everyone will still focus on how bad he has been to you,” reveals the experts. Bakutana is however quick to mention that the exception is if it’s something that may threatens someone’s life.

His family
The psychologist highlights the need to avoid speaking negatively about in-laws. “When you talk about how your brother-in-law eats a lot or how your father-in-law is a drunkard, you not only fuel enemity, hostility between your family and his.

According to Evelyn Kharono Lufafa, another psychologist working with Talk Therapy Uganda, when two people get married, they become one. At the same time every marriage will have some ups and downs and it is during the bad times that women will find it easy to share with their mothers or friends depending on how close they are.

Sophisticated information
Although it is said that a problem shared is a problem half-solved, Lufafa maintains that sensitive information about a spouse should not be shared. Lufafa cautions that if every negative small detail is shared with parents, it can breed resentment towards a spouse. “You two might overcome your issues but the one you reported to, in this case your parent, will not,” she notes.

Bedroom matters
Bakutana cautions that issues to with sex should also be handled in a responsible and discrete manner. “Always remember that to your parents, you are still their child no matter how big you are or how much transformation you have undergone. And they would still choose to defend you at every opportunity they get,” he clarifies.

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