Valentine’s aftermath: The good, the bad, and the horrible

On February 14, Ugandans join the rest of the world to celebrate Valentine’s Day. To those who believe in it, the day gives lovers, family members and friends the opportunity to practically demonstrate their love towards one another by showering each other with flowers, jewellery, wine and sumptuous meals.
However, as it is with every human endeavour, to some, Valentine’s Day with all its thrills and frills is not a true of representation love or even St Valentine’s. The pious are irked that the huge price St Valentine paid for love is being trivialised; reduce to a holiday that celebrates ungodliness.

One point often raised against Valentine’s Day is the sweeping commercialism that seems to have taken over the holiday. I won’t argue that commercialism hasn’t taken over the holiday. The original meaning of Valentine’s Day has been lost in the chocolate, flowers and cards. But this has happened to every other holiday such as Christmas.
They argue love should not be a one-day affair, it should be celebrated and practiced on a daily basis. Those acutely opposed to it, get an opportunity to protest by holding anti Valentine’s Day parties, burn greeting cards and eating black candy, which provides a different avenue for those who cash in on the holiday.
However, this does not mean that Cupid’s favourite holiday means a romantic and positive experience for everyone.

The Good: Love don’t cost a thing
As legendary American human rights activist, Martin Luther King Jr once said, true love heals broken hearts and hurting wounds. In a world that is becoming increasingly hostile, we need every excuse we can get to celebrate love.
With separation and divorce now so routine, couples have every excuse to utilise this day and create memories and probably stave off or heal the feelings that sow seeds of unhappiness.
For those who are still single, the experience gives them something positive to look forward to and a motivation to not give up. For 32-year-old Violet Nakiganda a one-time experience changed her view of love and established her attitude towards relationships.

“Surprisingly for me, the best and most memorable Valentine’s Day was during my days at university. My boyfriend and I were broke almost all the time. However, we were so happy and enjoyed each other’s company. On this particular day, we spent the evening walking the streets of Kansanga. Considering that we could not afford to eat at almost all the restaurants in Kansanga, taking a walk as we talked and laughed seemed like a better idea.

On our way back to my hostel, he bought roadside roasted chicken for me to eat. We were so in love, that I would not trade the experience for any other. Although he went on to marry someone else, that experience made me understand that Valentine’s Day is nothing but a mania. Whether you receive nothing or something, or do not celebrate it at all, the most important thing is the love the two of you share every day, not just on that one day,” Nakiganda shares.

“What the world needs more than anything is true love. For me that simplicity and mutual understanding is the bedrock of true love and this day gives people an opportunity to experience it,” she adds.
Martha Wanjiru was not the romantic type, and to her Valentine’s Day had little significance until she met Edgar.
“During my days at university, I was so focused on my studies that I had no time to date. I met Edgar right after school, we sort of fell in love. He is the romantic kind of guy, and so each Valentine’s Day, he does something extraordinary.

On our first Valentine’s Day together, Edgar called and asked me to meet for dinner after work. I was not thrilled by the idea of dinner at a fancy hotel. I tried to turn him down, but he begged me not to. Little did I know that he was planning to propose to me.
Getting there, it was a candlelit dinner set with all kinds of lovey dovey décor. As soon as we settled into our seats, her went down on one knee and proposed to me. It was the most romantic thing I had ever experience. We have been married for three years and we celebrate every Valentine’s Day as our anniversary.”

The bad: Unnecessary ugliness
Hakim Gidudu notes that while everyone is in search of true love, his experience on Valentine’s eight years ago convinced him that only a few are really prepared to pay the price for it.
“About eight year ago, I was dating this girl who was all about the finer things in life. I was young, just fresh out of university and it seemed like a good idea to be with her. When Valentine’s Day drew closer, I thought of something that would blow her away. I settled on taking her out on a date. I then reached out to one of my friends who owned a car, a convertible to be specific. I was convinced that this would excite her, and probably set us up for many more dates together.

Unfortunately for me, on our way to the restaurant, with both of us dressed to the nines, it started raining. That is not a bad idea when you are seated in car, but for me it was, because I did not know how to close the top of the convertible. I fidgeted with the car, as we got rained on during that evening traffic jam. Our date was so awkward, that we never talked again after that day,” he shares.
According to Hilda Kajungu, Valentine’s Day brings out the worst and ugly side of people which is essentially good because you get to truly know who you are with. But on the whole it is a bad thing especially if you are hopelessly in love with a person.

“I have dated really lousy guys, but this particular one was in a league of his own. He was working with a top advertising agency, and mostly busy all the time. I was patient, and respected that. So, when our first Valentine’s Day together rolled around, he told me that he had planned something special for us. I was so excited that finally we were going to spend an evening together on a weekday.
We agreed to meet at a restaurant just a five minutes’ drive from his office. For obvious reasons, I arrived before him with all these expectations running through my mind. I called to let him know that I had arrived and he assured me that he was leaving office. I ordered for a bottle of wine, and busied myself with my phone.

Thirty minutes later, he had not arrived at the restaurant. I started worrying so I called him again, he picked up and convinced me that he had delayed, but was on his way. Another 30 minutes later he was still nowhere to be seen. I got a bit tensed up, and called again. This time he had switched off his phone. I got really mad. Everyone was looking at how frustrated I looked, in my beautiful mustard dress. I tried the number relentlessly but to no avail. That is when it hit me that I had been stood up.

I collected myself, paid for the drink and got a cab to go to his office which was just a few blocks away. I was in utter shock when I got there. The guy was seated at his desk working at 9.30pm. There is nothing wrong with that, but he was lying to me the whole time. When he saw me walk in, he came to meet me and said he was sorry but he needed to finish what he was working on first before meeting me. I wondered why he had not been honest about this, considering I was aware he always left work late.
I sat and waited for him before we went straight home and slept, just like we did every other day. Obviously this relationship did not last long” she shares.

The horrible
While Valentine’s Day is a chance to celebrate healthy loving relationships, it is also an important opportunity to expose the rate of domestic violence. According to statistics, 30 per cent of women will experience physical or sexual violence perpetrated by a current or former partner or husband. This figure does not take into account emotional violence where the man intimidates, degrades and manipulates the person for the purpose of controlling her.
Agatha Abalo recounts why Valentine’s Day represents betrayal and disappointment to her.
“My husband and I do not celebrate Valentine’s Day, not by choice, but because he’s not ‘that kind of guy’. Back when we were still dating I complained about it until I realised that there was little I could do to change him. I settled to loving him for who he is.

So, one day, I found a photo of two beautiful little girls in his things as I was doing chores. I did not care much about it because, why would I? They were just pictures. But when I asked him about the two girls later in the day, he was defensive. He said that the photo belonged to his colleague and it had accidently ended up in his things. Then why didn’t you return it?” I asked. He could not say why. This worried me a lot. I spent many weeks, digging for answers. I was convinced that these were his children, and he was hiding them away from me. This little secret strained our relationship so much.
“As Valentine’s Day, got closer, he proposed that we do something special for each other. I did not pay attention because I knew who he was and the thoughts he had towards Valentine’s Day. He however, invited me for dinner on the day. I gave in and agreed to go for it.

“To cut this story short, he had been feeling guilty all this while and was looking for the opportunity to confirm that the two beautiful girls were actually his children. He told me that the special dinner was his way of asking for forgiveness. Apparently, his relationship with their mother ended as soon as it started, but he had gotten her pregnant.
“I did not know what to say to him. I was not shocked at all. I was only disappointed that he had ruined all my Valentine’s Day fantasies. The dinner did not go beyond that. I forgave him, but I do not think our relationship will ever be the same again,” she shares.