When should one walk out of an abusive relationship?

On August 2, Uganda awoke to news of the gruesome murder of Viola Kakai, who was a nurse at International Hospital Kampala (IHK). It is alleged that her husband, Simon Shimanya, hacked her to death following claims that she had an extramarital affair.

Reports state that Kakai, a resident of Kitezi, Kasangati Town Council in Wakiso District, who had been married for 13 years, was hacked to death using an axe in the presence of her three children.

As is the norm, her death went viral and got everyone talking. For a week, domestic violence and this particular case were a topic of discussion on most of the social media platforms.
Two weeks later, this too is being forgotten, the dust has settled and we will all move on like nothing happened.

Illusional hope
Just like that, a life was lost, three innocent children became orphans and her illustrious career was prematurely cut short because the perpetrator could not manage his emotions.
Her death reignited a heated debate on why women stick in abusive marriages.

In one of the posts on Facebook, a one Caroline Nabankema asked: “If a man beats you twice or thrice, why do you wait to be beaten into coma? Why do you love your marriage more than you love your life?
“Some women have illusional hope that a man can change. In fact, such women are quick to forgive their outrageous husbands and instead blame themselves for having provoked the man into beating them,” says Shez Shillat.

Are parents to blame?
After her parents had acted as matchmakers between her and husband, Sarah Wamoga’s bride price was paid and in a glamorous wedding ceremony, she was sent to her marital home.
Statements like, mwana wange totuswaza! Omukyala aguma ate ebyomunjju byesigalizenga (loosely translated as do not bring shame to our family. A woman must be patient and never disclose what happens in your bedroom) were her sendoff remarks.

She says the first years of her marriage were blissful, but just like any other marriage, theirs too had a fair share of storms, which they would resolve from time to time.
She says her husband started getting mad over small things and at one point, she was slapped. She was convinced that this would come to an end. But she was wrong.

Over time, things drifted from bad to worse. “He slowly graduated from slaps to kicks. I was beaten and bruised on several occasions. But I remembered the words my parents and aunt said to me when I was getting married,” Wamoga says.
After having two miscarriages owing to battering, in 2004, she decided to walk away. She took her children to her parents’ home. Her parents also raised some capital for her to start a business.

Unlike Wamboga, Kakai was not lucky to make it. In 2018, Evalyline Nabaasa, a resident of Ibanda District was reportedly killed in a domestic fight, in which her husband beheaded her. In the same year, Beatrice Akoko, of Lukole Sub -county in Agago District, was also battered to death by her husband. On May 9, Daily Monitor reported the death of Carol Namboozo, a resident of Banda B in Nakawa Division, Kampala, who was strangled by her husband.

Statistics
According to the Annual Crime Report of 2019, 13,693 cases of domestic violence were reported. The Aswa region had the highest number with 1131 cases, followed by East Kyoga with 985 cases and North Kyoga with 808 cases. Old Kampala Division had the highest number with 449 cases, followed by Lira with 498 cases and Amuria with 375 cases.
The reports states that domestic violence has mainly been caused by dispute over family property, failure to provide for the family, drug and alcohol abuse and cases of infidelity.

A total of 1,390 cases were taken to court, out of which 359 cases secured convictions, 21cases were acquitted, 288 cases were dismissed and 722 cases were still pending in court. About 5,000 cases were still under investigations.
The recent global study by the United Nations Office on Drugs and Crime (UNODC) titled Gender-related killing of women and girls, shows that homes are the most dangerous places for women.

Perhaps, we need to probe further and find out reasons why a woman would stay with a man that continuously batters her. Could it be the fear of the unknown? Is it about finances? Is society exerting so much pressure on the woman to ensure that the marriage works regardless of what she is going through?
Do we have initiatives that support such women once they walk out of bad marriages? Imagine a woman who has been married for 20 years with four children. If you tell her to walk away, where does she start from? Where does she go?

Walking away
Catharina Natukunda, a family consellor at JOY medical center Ndeeba, says in a relationship, when someone you love hurts you, they will not think twice doing it over and over again.
“Every single day, women walk away from abusive relationships, but making up their mind to leave is not always as easy as it sounds. Many keep hoping that the situation will get better someday. But, there is never hope that an abusive relationship will magically ‘get better because the man will not see that there is even a problem with their behaviour,”says Natukunda.

She says there are red flags that abusive men often exhibit but women tend to downplay them. Paul Mitawana, a psychologist at Butabika Hospital, says in case of emotional torture, the victim should not think twice about leaving because other than the physical abuse, emotional torture is the worst one can ever experience.
“When your husband asks you to leave their house, just leave. You might have contributed to its construction, but such matters can be settled later after you have secured your safety,” Mitawana explains.

Why women stay in abusive relationship
Tina Musuya, the executive director of the Centre for Domestic Violence Prevention (CEDOVIP) says that many women stay in a violent relationship in the mistaken hope the man will change. In an ideal world, all abused women would leave and would not have to blame themselves for the failed relationships.
Musuya says women tend to put their children first and sacrifice their own safety. That is when you hear someone say ntudde lwabana (I am here because of my children). But every woman should consider walking away when her life is being threatened.

To Mitawana, woman remain trapped in abusive relations because of the threats from their husband. Threats of hunting the woman down and harming all their loved ones. “You and I have watched news where a man has set fire on the children and wife. It is because of such threats that a woman prefers to stay,” he says.
Yet others stay with the hopes that they could change their abusive partner. Some women often think they are the strong one who will never leave no matter how bad a marriage turns out.

Family expectations
“Women stay in abusive relationships as a way of preserving their personal and family social status, especially when the man holds a prominent position in society. Chances of an abused woman walking out on such a marriage are often always limited.
Some women are held hostage because of financial limitations. If a woman is not earning, she will stay just to see her children go to school and get care from her husband even when the marriage is abusive.

Why it is still escalating
Luyimbazi Nalukoola, a divorce lawyer, says laws against domestic violence are in place, but the problem keeps escalating because of the dominance of man over woman.“Men inherited a culture that women are meant to be submissive and a man is supposed to command. It is true because the holy books also say so and it is a commandment from God. But this comes with duties, responsibilities and rights,” he says.

Inhumane acts are illegal
He reveals that for a man to command, he must have performed his duties, which are provided for under article 24 of the Constitution of Uganda. “No person shall be subjected to any form of torture or cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment…..”
He also blames the escalating problem on social arrangements and child upbringing.

“When an African child is being raised, parents and society pay a lot of attention on the girl child, not boys. But when you are grooming a good wife, you should equally invest in nurturing a good husband. Some men are not prepared for the marriage institution.”
There are also women who dread being another divorce statistic and fear to be condemned by society for failing to uphold their marriages. Children are also a major reason why some women stay in abusive marriages.

For better for worse
In one of the interviews with Daily Monitor that was conducted last year with Rev Can Rebecca Nyengenya of All Saints Cathedra Nakasero, she stated: “The church has authority to wed but it has no authority to divorce.” She said when couples want to divorce, the church is not responsible for that. When the bride enters the church, her father hands her over to priest and in turn the priest hands her over to the husband.
Rev Fr Eward Kabanda of Kiwamirembe Catholic Shrine, says in cases where one’s life is under threat of death, separation is allowed.

Rashid Mutebi, an imam at Kitebi mosque, says in Islam, once a woman complains to the leaders, she is free to walk away from an abusive relationship.
Victims of domestic violence are advised to report to child and family protection units across all Police stations in Uganda. The unit creates an environment in which children and women’s rights are respected and protected.

Violence is illegal

Abusive men hardly see any problem with their actions
“Every single day, women walk away from abusive relationships, but making up their mind to leave is not always as easy as it sounds. Many keep hoping that the situation will get better someday. But, there is never hope that an abusive relationship will magically ‘get better because the man will not see that there is even a problem with their behaviour,” says Natukunda. According to article 24 of the Constitution of Uganda, no person shall be subjected to any form of torture or cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment.