Working away from spouse, family: How to strike a balance

Distance. Experts advise the couples working away from eachother constantly communicate to avoid misunderstandings. Photo by Ismail Kezaala

What you need to know:

  • A negotiated, and agreed way forward brings a sense of togetherness when you are apart. You are independent yet dependant on each other for emotional support. When you get stuck – talk. If that no longer works, get help from counsellors, or other couples that understand this kind of life.

Hope Akwiyacwiny works in Adjumani and her husband and children live in Kampala, which requires her to travel every weekend to be with her family. “At first, it was hard for me because I had to travel for six hours on Friday and be on the road again on Sunday for the same hours, which is hectic since I travel at night and in the morning I have to be at office and pretending to have a normal day,” shares Akwiyacwiny.

She says the overwhelming journeys made her suggest that her husband too, travel once in a while something that was impossible because they had children, it would be expensive and tiresome for the children. She says her family is young and should be her priority, but could not quit her job because she needed to build her career and make money to give her family a comfortable life.

Often times, there is a gap between spouses who work in different locations because they are rarely together. And when there are children in the picture, they are also affected by the distance.
Sometimes the problems that come with the distance stretch to the job too hence lowering a person’s productivity, which is not supposed to be the case.

How does one manage?
“I do not let this get in the way of my work and that is the reason why I travel on Friday evening after work and get back to Adjumani on Sunday night where I head straight home to bathe and go to work,” shares Akwiyacwiny.

Trust and agreement
Ali Male, a counsellor at A-Z counselling centre, says for spouses to work away from each other, there should be a mutual understanding on who should visit who at what time so that they have a clear schedule that will not affect the relationship and the job. “The time an individual spends visiting the other should not collide with the time the person has to be at office because if that happens, then there will be problems,” says Male.

Just like Male says, trust should be the base of the decisions made, George Langa, a human resource officer, who works in Kaabong, shares that he and his wife had problems resulting from suspicions in the long-distance marriage.
“One time she came unexpectedly when I was not around since I had travelled to another district for a training, she started acussing me of sleeping with other women and this caused her to quit her job to stay with me all in the bid of saving our marriage,” he shares.

He says people should not let their relationship issues affect their work because in most cases marital problems come with a lot of stress which affects productivity.
“A mind that is disturbed never thinks straight so it is either there will be no work or the individual will be slow and inaccurate since they have divided attention all in the bid of trying to resolve their issues while at work,” says Langa.

Sacrifices should be made
“Although sacrifice comes with a lot, sometimes there is need for one to make it either by continuously searching for another job wherever their spouse is or just deciding to keep moving to have time with them,” says Male.

Although he says the time used for moving should not affect your work so it is best to either, make sure that the work is done on time and advance or you may make sure that you are back to work before the working days start.
Agnes Nabatanzi, an accountant says there are more sacrifices that someone has to make for instance there are moments when a child is sick and the parent has to make it but their work ties them down so the one with the child has to shoulder the burden on their own and just keep updating the other.
She further says leaving work to go and attend to family emergencies in most cases is not warranted by the company since it may slow the company’s work especially if the individual is an expert in a field.

Travel. A family prepares to board a bus. Families that live away from eachother travel constantly to spend tie wit eachother which may be strenous for the children and might affect productivity at work. PHOTO BY DOMINIC BUKENYA

Communication
Rose Margret Katengeke, a counsellor and a teacher, says more like other relationships, those in a long distance relationship need communication more because that is all that bridges the gap they have in between them.
She says once a person always tells the other half what is going on their life, then the will not feel that much distance between them since they will be involved in each other’s lives so this may be able to suppress the urge the other has to travel and they end up concentrating on their work.

Katengeke advises that while making use of the communication, people should bear in mind that it either makes or breaks your marriage so using it for a better cause is the best thing to do so that no one gets to blame the job and its demands for their problems.
Also, communication does not only apply to the spouse or family member, but employer as well. If you have an emergency, inform the employer, do not just travel without informing your employer.
If it is not an emergency, plan ahead with your employer to work out a schedule that does not affect your work.

Constant travels
Evans Odong, an engineer, says what always saves a couple from trouble is when they create time for each other. When a relationship with your spouse and family members, is not at its best, it might affect your work. Therefore, create time to bond with them despite working away from home.
“People need to learn how to balance their work with family because having a job and family is the decision they made so learning how to keep it together should not be something to be compromised with,” says Odongo.
He says he personally works in the city and his wife is upcountry with the children but he makes it a point to be with them every weekend and also on public holidays because these are the days they have to bond as a family and they are also days he does not work so there are no complaints on both sides.

Co-parent if both tied up with work
Akwiyacwiny says co-parenting is another thing that can help each couple that lives away from their family bond because sometimes you cannot help but miss out on some important family events. She says having children stay with each parent may help depending on where they study from and what is the time of the year so that the travel schedule changes and one also rests from the road fatigue, which may affect their productivity at work.

Make use of leave
Akwiyacwiny says leave is the perfect time to compensate for the times the two have been away from each other. She says that she always makes sure that her time of leave is same as that of her husband so that they can have time to go for a vacation with their children.
Just like Akwiyacwiny, Nabatanzi says the couple can use the leave to have their incomplete projects done so that they do not lag behind in terms of joint developments.

She further says the leave does not have to coincide for the couple to make use it, the one who is on leave can be there for the other and that is enough to strengthen the relationship.
Also, instead of constant travels to complete joint projects, or sort out family issues that can wait, utilising your leave to resolve family matters that can wait and work on joint projects will save you from eating into your work time and also spend quality unrushed time with family.