How to live large in 2012

Sunday January 1 2012

By Peter Kakoma

The beautiful New Year is here and the flowers and frowns of 2011 have already been handed out. The beauty about a new year is that we generally start it super-charged, willing the sun to shine brighter, whistling Westlife ballads and holding onto a yellowish, crumpled paper on which we hastily scribbled all our resolutions for the year.

A leading research firm I stumbled upon in Bwaiise revealed that a resolution that tops several lists is “To be famous”. According to Horace Brown Kasibante (no ID was presented, so this may not be his real name), a lead researcher at the firm, “So many people want to be famous. But think about it, if they all became famous, then who would remain to watch them, be jealous and spread rumours about them? Who would the commoners be?”

That said, if their research is anything to go by, I present to you a full-proof way to make sure you book your 15minutes of fame this year. It is said that no one should spend their entire life without having made at least one headline.

In a country like ours, you are spoilt for choice on how to go about it. Also, considering that some theories and entire movies suggest that the world is ending this year, I don’t think it is fair that one doesn’t get a chance to have his/her name in big print or just have their picture published with a light caption like “omg, she’s having a good time. Lol”. See that person on TV saying “tukooye so..so..sausage?” That could be you. See that person winning an eating competition? That could be you. Below, I present a quick way to make headlines.

Go to the bank and get your savings; or get a loan. Banks have a loan for everything these days. Get the money in small denominations, (preferably Shs1,000notes) and a few coins. That done, position yourself favourably in a bar of choice.

Give the DJ a signal and when the music stops, stand on a table-top and start investing in your future as a star by letting out a shrill scream while you shower revelers with your money. Be careful when hurling the coins lest you hurt people and get thrown out.

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Your debut at the top can’t start with a black eye otherwise the newspapers which run the story about your feat will christen you “Black eye”; that is not a catchy name for the famous person that you now are. Be sure to mention me in your interviews; I was kind enough to give you a free tip.

Happy New Year.

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