By the way: Hello who is this?

Sunday February 12 2012

By Peter Kakoma

Many times in your phone-owning days, you will get one of those calls where as soon as you pick up, the person on the other end asks you who you are. The odd thing is that many times in such scenarios, if you are lucky, the caller insists that you are the person they had called to speak to.

“But Lovinsi, why are you changing your voice? I know it is you…”
If you are not so lucky, they will go off in one of those languages you only hear when channel-hopping on radio.
Rather than hurl your Galaxy tab at the innocent cat peacefully licking its bollocks in the corner of your room, here are a few well –researched tips on what to say to the person on the other end of the line. Since this column is all for being nice to everyone, the tips are biased towards being pleasant to the caller. Instead of wasting their hard-earned airtime, help the caller identify who you are. Give hints.

Tell the caller what you look like. “I am very tall and have seven digits on my left hand.”
Tell them who you are not. “I am not Ghandi. I’m not Hitler. I am not a belly dancer even. I tried twice but that did not end too well”
Narrow down their options. Tell them what you do. “By day, I am a student. By night however, I prowl the city, walking old ladies across the street, karate chopping suspicious-looking people, fighting for the rights of taxi passengers to get all their change from conductors and nudging taxi drivers who do not stop when the passengers ask them to.”

Give them even more details.“I have a scar on my pinky that I got while refereeing dog fights when I was five. One of the dogs attacked me because I called a foul and it didn’t entirely agree with my decision”

Do imitations
“This is my impression of George Bush giving a speech and then ducking when he notices a shoe moving towards his face.” Pause a bit then proceed to do the impression
Tell them about your phone.

“I am currently speaking to you with a Nokia 1234. My last phone was stolen by a boda guy who rode by while I was speaking to my pastor. Can you believe it? The nerve of those people!”