BY THE WAY: How to choose what to order

Sunday February 19 2012

By Peter Kakoma

Many times you go to a restaurant and take ages making your mind up on what to have. This guide is to help you through those troubling situations.

Baby squid
If you order this, you need to be patient because making it takes a bit of time. First, the chef has to find a hapless mother squid that’s unable to take care of all its children. Since mother squids are not too keen on giving their children up for adoption, getting a ‘yes’ naturally takes a bit of coercion. Negotiation skills are key.

It is because of this that five-star hotels always insist that the head chef should have top notch negotiation skills. To test this, applicants for the job of chef are usually put in a real-life situation where they have to negotiate their way out; someone wants to jump off a building, chef applicant is called. Hostage situation in Kireka, chef applicant is called. But I digresss.

Having persuaded the squid to give up at least one of its children, the chef chooses the chubby one, gets it and flees before the mother changes her mind. He then heads back to the kitchen and proceeds to split the squid open and prepare your meal. All this time you’ll be watching soccer highlights on Super Sport and saying funny things to your date.

Zucchini Casserole
If you see this on the menu and immediately assume that this dish has a few nsenene in it, you are wrong. You are also slightly dazed but let’s not dwell on that. If you order this on the menu, be prepared to wait a while for it. Thing is, Zucchini casseroles were developed by Soprano Zucchinni in 1865 in Milan, Italy. He owns the dish. For anyone else to make this dish in the world, they have to send his great great great grandchild written mail asking for permission.

Zucchini Junior then reads your request and thinks about it. if you find favour in his eyes, he replies and tells you to go ahead and prepare the meal. All this is done after you’ve ordered. Naturally, this takes a bit of time so many chefs around the world find it easier to send a friend request to Zucchini Junior on Facebook and hope he accepts it. If he does, approval can be sought online.
kakomap@gmail.com

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