This is a memo from the heavenly recruitment department. Kindly note that following the yearly review of souls, these individuals have been struck off the pages of the book of life:
1. Any business owner planning to force his/her employees to wear Santa suits with cotton wool to act as a beard in the month of December. This is cruel and unusual punishment. All business owners advertising ‘Christmas Offers’ since September are advised to look for their names in the book of death.
2. Anyone throwing things out of taxi windows in 2018. We have reserved a special garbage compartment for you in the kingdom of eternal suffering.
3. Those in the business of causing pain, emotional distress and acute embarrassment with their invasive, rude and unnecessary questions: When are you getting married, When are you having a baby, When are you having another baby, When are you building a house, When are you losing weight... Your insatiable curiosity will be dealt with once and for all in Room 720 of the Hades Interrogation Unit.
4. Restaurant owners who order their staff to cut serviettes in half in the name of saving money. You will find your fellow misers sitting in an eternal blackout in the underworld.
5. Debtors who have refused to pay up. You will be buried alive under a mountain of gold and all sorts of currency and left to rot there. Let’s see what good all that money you refused to return will do you then.
6. Drivers overtaking other cars on the road, only to then drive at 20kmph. We will be waiting for you with bullwhips by the roadside.
7. People locking toilets and refusing their fellow distressed citizens access to a clean place to answer the call of nature. Eternal constipation awaits you in the world down under.
8. Those posting 10 pictures of themselves daily and 100 pictures weekly on those infernal apps—while wearing badly applied make up. You have wasted the precious time assigned to them by our heavenly Father. Your work assignment down below will be applying make up on goblins.
Let us repent, o brethren.