How to be a mediocre boss

Sunday August 4 2019

 

By Stella Riunga

Dear brethren, this is the tried and tested, fool-proof way to be a mediocre boss whose absence is celebrated, and presence tolerated.
1. Always arrive late, about an hour after the official opening time. Not coming from high-powered breakfast meetings and the like, no. From home.
2. Time your appearances in your employees’ open-plan cattle pen to coincide with lunch hour. Initiate conversations about such-and-such a work problem while their food congeals into an inedible mess. Leave halfway when you realise the problem was already solved—in your absence.
3. Don’t read your emails. But at the same time, demand that your employees copy you in on every mundane conversation they have with clients. How important it feels to see your name popping up several times a day in your inbox!
4. Be all things to all men. You may hire a few people here and there, but ensure you are the final decision-maker in everything. Be the head of HR, Finance, Procurement, Business Development, Sales and Marketing. Refer all disputes, questions and inquiries to yourself so that everyone can see you are the beginning and end of all knowledge.
5. Be generous, now that you are in such an exalted position. Get one of your promising relatives and offer him or her a job in your company. No interviews needed. Bring the relative, introduce him/her to the team and let everyone continue to mind their own business. At the same time, be the first to take to social media and decry corruption/tribalism/patriarchism/nepotism and all other –isms that are bringing us down as a country.
6. Meetings. Have them. Hold them. Preferably without an agenda. Don’t ever communicate the agenda because this is a secret to be held by the person with the power—that is you. Encourage everyone to talk, but constantly talk over everyone. Interrupt and give your opinion, because as we said in point No.4, you are the beginning and end of all knowledge!
If you are a boss, hand this article over to one of your more honest friends and see whether any of these descriptions fit you. Have a good week!

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