It is Christmas, will you explain why you’re single?

On November 10, 2019, NBS TV news anchor Sheila Nduhukire tweeted, “Baitu mwanangye n’osherwa ryari,” Runyankole Proverb. Loosely translated, the phrase means, “But my child, when are you getting married?” She was looking for someone to inscribe those words on a T-shirt and deliver it to her.
Nduhukire’s tweet reminded me of a conversation I had with a friend. Kathy (not real name) turned 31 years old in October. On the weekend after her birthday, her parents invited her home for dinner. Excited, she cancelled all the plans she had made with her friends and heed to her parents’ call. But this was no ordinary family dinner. In attendance was a reverend from their church and two members of the choir, who led a two-hour prayer session to dedicate Kathy to the Lord so she can find a husband.
To date, Kathy does not clearly understand why her parents did that, yet they had never shown any signs of worry before.
Many of us have had a pushy relative pressuring us to get married. Stories of aggressive aunties, grandparents and mothers harassing any woman of child bearing age during Christmas holidays are legendary. If you are unmarried, comments about your withering ovaries and biological clock come so easily.
For many women, this is a constant buzzword whenever they are among family and for some, it starts early in the most subtle ways. For instance, parents will take you to events, teach you how to dress, how to behave around people, how to speak to people and most commonly introduce you to their friends’ sons.

How it starts
My friends and I joke a lot about issues, but once in a while, we spare some time to discuss pertinent issues about our life, career, relationships, marriages and the like. On a slow afternoon last Sunday, a meme was shared on our WhatsApp group.
It read, “My aunt: When are you getting married? Also my aunt: Haza otatureteera omushaija wóruganda orundi.” The second part loosely translated, means, “…and don’t bring us a man from another tribe.” See the irony in that? Yes, on top of the pressure they exert on you to get married, is the pressure to get a man from your tribe. As we laughed at the meme, one of us said, “Girls, on a serious note let us talk about the marriage pressures, how do you guys deal with them, because I am losing my mind”
We are all in our late 20s, each at our first or second job, with just a few of us married, others planning to get married and many others still putting their lives together. The group went mute for a few minutes before responses began trickling in.
“Personally, I do not look forward to Christmas. I have got to that point where I never want to step home unless it is something pressing,” Sharon responded.

Then match making
As the discussion gets deeper, the ladies testify that being unmarried by a certain age is a nightmare that goes as far as organising blind dates. At 28, Gina is focusing on building a career, and making a name of herself. But while at it, her paternal aunt is voluntarily preoccupied with helping her find a partner. One evening after work, as she sat on her couch after a long day at work, Gina received a text from her aunt.
“I was sipping on my tea as I chatted with friends and saw a text from my aunt. She said she had found a man for me. She explained that the man was a brother of her best friend and added that he drinks a lot, but is single, so I have to try and deal with his drinking…,” Gina narrates.
She cannot get her head around the fact that her relatives actually do not care about the kind of person she ends up with, as long as she gets married. “Long story short, I met the guy just out of respect for my aunt, but could not get my mind around it,” she adds.
To those who took career paths that are considered prestigious or high end, the pressure takes a different turn. Bridget (27) is a lawyer and advocate of the High Court, she recently bought herself a brand new Toyota Allex. “In line with my practice, people, relatives and family come and tell me how men fear lawyers and women who drive themselves, and that I better get married before men start fearing me, funny!” she exclaims.

Support from close family
Despite the pressure from extended family members, some of these women have a strong support system in their nuclear family setup.
“I have a very understanding and open-minded mum. Sometimes she shyly asks me if I am seeing anyone and I usually tell her the truth. If I am not she will shrug it off and be like let’s wait on God. And my aunties can’t even try. My happiness isn’t in anyone’s hands. And if the right person comes my way, well and good. If not then it wasn’t meant to be,” another member, Teddy says.
“My parents tell me marriage isn’t to be rushed. Take time till when you’re ready. So am still ‘ka children’,” a one Grace commented.
“So right, many people have told me not to rush because when you get there, then you are there for the rest of your life,” Rosette supported Grace’s point of view.

Effects of the pressure
For some cultures and families, marriage is still highly regarded as a symbol of social status. But while family and society pressures people to find a partner, get married or have children, they rarely try to understand the effects that kind of pressure has on the recipient.
Samuel Ssetumba, a freelance counsellor, says pressuring someone to get married creates artificial urgency to get married.
“The individual might make mistakes to yield to the pressure. They might marry the wrong person or get in when they are not ready,” he says, adding that it can bring about feelings of resentment towards family since they are responsible for exerting the pressure.
Ssetumba also notes that marriage should be an equal union between two people in love, not something to fulfil one’s sense of identity or self-worth or validation. Finding love comes down to re-evaluating your reasons for wanting love and how they relate to your own self-worth.
“For the unmarried, understand yourself first, do not think that marriage will define you. If you are waiting for marriage to complete you, then there is a problem.”
He, however, says it is good to encourage people to get married after finding out the possible challenges and reasons the person is not considering it at the moment.
“Find out how these people feel about marriage at that particular time and depending on the relationship you have with them. It could be because they have seen so many negative stories from their friends and they need to be assured that it can work.”
Above it all, marriage is not a requirement, however much it is hard to tell a parent that. Though, as the old adage goes, “everyone has their own timing,” and for a big life time decision such as marriage, it is important we let people take their time to make the right decisions. We do not want our sister, brother, niece, nephew or friend to be part of the divorce or domestic violence statistic.

Dealing with pressure
Sometimes getting another wedding invitation that you don’t have a plus one to bring to or your family constantly asking if you are dating someone can lead to a lot of anxiety. But how do you deal with the pressure?
Sometimes parents are nervous that their kids don’t care. So they feel like it’s their job to tell them, get with the programme.
So I feel like what they have to say, especially to a mother is: “Mom, I get it that I am single. This is me. This is my life. Would I like to be in a nice relationship? Yes, I would like to be in a nice relationship. Would I like to be married one day? Yes, I would like to be married one day. But it’s not helping me that you ask me every time I see you. In fact, it makes me feel worse. And I’d really appreciate it if you don’t ask me. And you can assume that I am dating. Assume that I do want to meet someone and when the time comes and if that time comes, you’ll be one of the first people that I’ll share it with. But until then, I am not comfortable with this being a continuous topic of conversation.”
So if you can tell the parents that their questions are not helping you and, in fact, they are hurting you, I think then they might hear you and back off.
I think the inappropriate reaction is to get defensive. I think sometimes making a joke is great: “Why? Is there anyone you want to set me up with?”
But it’s also okay to say, “No, I am not seeing anyone right now and I would really like to meet someone. So if you have anyone you’d like to set me up with, I’d be very open to that.”
Sometimes, you do have to advocate for yourself.
- Rachel Sussman