Dear Uncle Joe, Why is my fiancée aloof to my female friends? Please help. Joel Kimono
Sometimes it is not easy for women to deal with female friends of their husbands to be. It is hard for men to deal with male friends of their fiancées because they are uncertain of them and maybe they are also suspicious of what role they play in their partner’s lives; This includes how far they go, how much they know and the like. Maybe they are even suspicious that some of them could have interests in their partners.
Your girlfriend could be insecure in this relationship and has not yet developed trust. You need to talk frankly with her and let her know what is going on with your other friends. You could actually assure her of your love so that eventually she develops trust and can confidently live with knowing your female friends. You also need to weigh how much time you spend with your female friends vis a vis your fiancée or even think of leaving your fiancée out of meeting these female friends if she is not comfortable with them.
Becoming aloof may be her way of acting and covering up her insecurity in the relationship. She does not know them that much and may be you are always spending time with them. Her time should be hers with you and not together with them. This could be so especially if she thinks and feels that your female friends are more beautiful, or smarter. She might fear losing you or even think they are your exes.
So, your stand with your female friends needs to be clarified. You could even consider stopping (or limiting interaction with them) some of these relationships with female friends for the sake of your relationship. Find out from her what is bothering her about the female friends and be open and honest with her as you try to find a solution to the issue.
In a healthy relationship, both of you should be comfortable with each other’s friends of either sex. To get to this point you need to talk through the issues that are bothering you about these relationships. This may need negotiation, adjustment and give-and-take.
Please seek further help from a professional counsellor.
Joseph Musaalo is a counselling psychologist