That theme of the party

Dear friends,
First of all, thank you for inviting me to your wedding/bridal shower/baby shower/ introduction/ random party etc. I am honoured that you thought of me.
To begin with, why do we need party themes? I thought the theme of a party is to celebrate- or was I wrong? I was excited about attending your event. I practised my social party face in the mirror and even came up with conversation openers so that no one would guess I have no idea how to make small talk. In short, I was ready.

And then I saw the theme of your party and my heart sank—Cowboys and Cowgirls. I suppose you want me to appear in suede knee-length boots, Stetson hats and the like. My friend, to me a cowboy, takes care of cows, thus I will appear in rubber-tyre sandals, a faded weather-beaten jacket, an equally weather-beaten dress and a faint whiff of cow dung on me. Simple. Finished. Next please!
Once I have finished with your Cowboys and Cowgirls theme, I have another party next week requiring me to appear in a ‘sexy little black dress’.

This, I must confess, is going to be the easiest of the lot—I plan to interpret the theme loosely to fit my wardrobe. Besides, who wants to be wearing ‘little’ dresses on a cold night? Do I want to die of frostbite? No! I have a black, sombre dress that starts at my neck, ends at my ankles and conceals all that is womanly about me. It is grim, sober, and reminds me that death is part of life. As for it being ‘sexy’ I have no doubt there is a disturbed man somewhere who will judge it to be so, therefore the dress meets the qualifications of ‘sexy’, and ‘black’.
The last party this month is a baby shower, whose organisers thought it would be absolutely fun to dress in all white. I’m going to outdo them all, and I might as well let you in on my little secret— I plan to wear my wedding dress, ha ha ha!
Enjoy a non-themed weekend, brethren.