Many years ago before Okonkwo ran impatient and hacked a White man dead as told by a Nigerian novelist, Africans didn’t know no clothing. Covering the most important body gear was all that mattered. The present-day Karimojong thing is actually nothing.
Anyway, I was saying, some guys came with some books and hymns. They left with land rights and also left us with clothing. Like South Africans who remain so proud they believe they are not in Africa, we took to clothing with devotion.
I don’t know who used the reverse psychology to decide that women should wear dresses and men trousers. On a scale of natural law, men have a pair of dangling components and that other one to contend with.
Now, you won’t know how crucial a dress is to man until you are circumcised. The punk with reverse psychology didn’t realise that if the wedge between a man’s legs was tightened in a trouser, it would lead to “parking charges”.
This is how we came up with Multiplex in our loins. “Wrong Parking” can result in ‘deformity.’ People will mock you for having a third leg curved like a slasher.
The whole mess is because a trouser has dual carriage way complete with an island between. Many years ago before we qualified for underpants, we only had ‘mama njagala kupama’ shorts. The shorts had rubber-band on the waist. No belt was needed.
It was given that peculiar name because a boy would only need to pull it down faster than it takes for Bad Black to poke her lipstick into other people’s affairs and then squat down to the business of downloading biological weapons of soil manure.
With the mama njagala kupama pants, one didn’t care about parking. There were no guys issuing stickers anyway. And things were still small.
Have you imagined how it would be like if underpants were not invented and men had to wear trousers and park their components? Which side of the trouser leg would it rest? That is the burden the reverse psychology punk who decided on dresses and trousers for gender caused.
Ultimately, The Empty Tin has used an ounce of its brain and concluded that it is actually women who should be wearing trousers. In fact, a study done by a one-man team of Empty Tin researcher shows that women used to wear trousers and men dresses before some idiot failed to contain his envy and wrestled the status quo.
However, renowned for sticking with tradition, the fellows at Namirembe Cathedral refused to give up their dresses. Realising that society fashion police was getting hard on their case, they named theirs cloaks and got away with the excuse that it wasn’t any other dress for Tom, Dick and Rachel.
Now, the other day, something happened at that cathedral. Suddenly, everyone has become an expert on photojournalists and dress code.
But rather than perch on the highest branch of social media tree and talk, we decided to go and get a firsthand account from that church that is stuck in 1986.
However, those fellows are not easy. Armed with result of our one-man study on the history of trousers and dresses vis-à-vis parking lanes, we hit the cathedral hoping to pin the padres to the wall with hard facts. But they disarmed us without a word.
There, we didn’t find them wearing cloaks. They apparently realised that if men must wear trousers and no woman must wear what belongs to man, the same currency had too apply to their creed.
We left without a word. But words choke us now. We need to return to the old days. Kanzu and such things, they belong to women if men want to own absolute rights to trousers.
Jesus must be indecently bemused at the bunch of laities He left this world that define indecency by gender rather than what conforms to the definition thereof.