I rather hang out with Opondo than pay tithe tax

Uganda is indeed endowed with resources. The challenge has been how best to exploit them. Forget timber, diamond, gold and whatnot; those ones excite chubby politicians who have been to DR Congo and denied eating pygmies. True story. There is this army general who was fingered in a report as having stolen timber from Congo and when told he faced arrest, he retorted: “Did I eat their pygmies?”

But real resources like humans. Like if the Saudis had talked to us nicely, Khashoggi wouldn’t have been killed because with our security agents, he would simply have been tortured into submission. But the bad things aside, there is the good one straight from the church.

A man of ‘Gad’ suggests that the government should deduct tithe from salary of Christians. More like tithe tax. Of course, this government of ours loves anything tax. They even tax taxes like on mobile money, so how about such a novel suggestion of taxing tithe?

Will Ugandans complain? Nope. They have been tithing their houses, cars, children and even body to some ‘pastors’ for years, so taxing their salary for the good of the ‘pastors’ won’t mean anything.

However, if this chicanery of tithe tax comes to pass, Empty Tin will ask that Ofwono Opondo be exempted from paying it. OO is one of the few remaining men of honour in this country and has suffered so much public mockery that tithing his salary forcibly will amount to double punishment.

And there are other things that OO has perfected so much you would understand this call for him to be exempted.

The other day a confident riff-raff walked up to a taxi I was travelling in and grabbed my phone then leisurely crossed the street. The cops around did nothing. I thought about jumping down to give chase but something told me they could be many. Traffic cleared and the vehicle moved. The phone was gone.

Mourning the loss, I realised there were only two ways to save the phone and catch the filthy thief. One is to shout “Besigye” and point at the thief. Policemen would charge at him to effect preventive arrest and then I would confidently walk and pick my phone from the filthy thing.

The other is if I was hanging out with OO, like if he was my co-passenger and we were jazzing how to tithe Naads cows for personal benefit.

One day, some guy whose 40 days on earth was up jumped around Kampala Parents School and attempted to steal a car. In a flash he was down. OO had tithed his life to his creator. OO just dusted his hands of the gunpowder. OO then drove off to record a statement with police. Just like that.

Imagine hanging out with such a sharp shooter, would some filthy pick pockets dare defile your rights in public? It’s not the same if you hang out with Mbonye or Kayanja or Lwanga. They will expect you to buy them spirits, foot their transport home and even prostrate for them.

All you need to hang out with OO is flattery. Say great stuff of this self-confessed leopard and OO will nod his head all evening.

Praise the Nile Bridge and declare it better than Kenya’s direct flight to the US or Visit Rwanda. He likes such. He doesn’t demand you kiss his shoes, tithe your property or praise him. He doesn’t take what is not his.
In fact, the only times he has allegedly tried to take what was not his, he wasn’t successful.

Now you know the infamous incident. He returned the items he had allegedly tithed into his jacket pocket without declaring to the owners. Then there was the case of the cow that he had allegedly tithe for milk. Milk is the best cure for hangover. He returned the cow.

Now tell me, who wouldn’t want to hang out with a jolly tweeting fellow who will put down a thief at the blink of an eye and will never take what is not his without being caught in the act?