A fool’s manifesto wish for 2021

Sunday July 12 2020


By Jacobs Seaman Odongo

Ugandans have found a peculiar way to remove the spots on the 1986 feline. And it’s just brilliant.
Everyone is seeking to run for presidency. And going by the trend, there could be only ineligible guys who won’t seek to return the leopard into the bush. This means Rwomushana will vote for himself, so the winner would likely be the fellow with such a large extended family who manages to convince all the relatives not to run for president so that they vote for him or her.
By the look of things, JK is going to pick nomination forms and JK here has nothing to do with Joseph Kabuleta for all the purpose of the initials. But what are all these people going to offer on their manifesto? Precisely, what do voters want?

Commander appointment
Mama Ndekeire, from Mafubira in Jinja City, says she will vote for the candidate who promises to appoint her the commander of the police training school in Kabalye.
“What do they train those people?” she sneered. “If you told Enanga himself that he is a trained police officer, he would deny it.”
Mama Ndekeire said the police have become so good at lying that one day she approached Onyango with some little problem.
“That officer listened to me intently, all the while nodding and grunting ‘uhm-uhm’ until I was done. Do you know what he said after?

“That he is Onyango but not the Onyango I wished to talk to.”
Mama Ndekeire thinks raising concerns about liars like police is a big deal but she hasn’t heard from me. Imagine this week I found out that there is a cap or whatever in the Penal Code that criminalises farting.
“Any person who voluntarily vitiates the atmosphere in any place so as to make it noxious to the health of persons in general dwelling or carrying on business in the neighbourhood or passing along a public way commits a misdemeanour,” says Section 177 or whatever.

Look, we know of laws that contradict other man-made laws but when did you hear of a law that conveniently seeks to contradict nature? How else do we expect the people to be assertive and confident in public if we criminalise the exercise of natural body functions?
Hajj Mudondo, who runs a retail store on Kamuli Road in Kireka, vowed he will only vote for someone who ends the new breed of madness in Ugandans.
“There is a bunch of igloos in Uganda who will tell you of how Stella Nyanzi has a right to opinion and speak the way she wants,” he said. “But the same igloos will turn and attack Zari when she says something. Someone has to end this mad cow disease.

Mudondo also said there was something he found very disturbing in Mubende the last time he visited with the family of his in-laws.
He narrated the story of a man who fell in a deep pit. When the wife came to help, the man asked her to pick up some money hidden inside his old socks and go buy ropes for pulling him out.
“The wife returned shaking and when she dropped one end of the rope to the pit for the husband to hold on and climb out, this man demanded to know where she had bought the rope from,” he said.

According to Mudondo, the trapped man was enraged and threatened to kill the woman for not learning frugality in this Covid-19 times.
“He shouted at the wife and demanded to know why she had bought such an expensive rope instead of going to Mustafa Swaliki’s shop near the trading centre that had cheaper ropes,” Mudondo said.
“Imagine such a fool is pulled out of the pit. He will beat up his wife and then also go and vote for the wrong one who keeps him foolish like that.”