Columnist to retire from writing, handpicks daughter to succeed him

What you need to know:

Rendition. Empty tins make a lot of noise which will very often make you laugh. Visit this page every Sunday to encounter Empty Tin and his warped ideas.

A few weeks ago, I attended an event at which a retired local government administrator was among the guests. When the old man was invited to speak, the people started heckling. They jeered and called him all sorts of names.

I pushed my shoulders toward a man nearby and inquired as to why the old man was being humiliated. “Is he People Power?” I asked. The event was organised by an NRM chap.
“Not politics, that man is very useless. He was in office for many years but he left nothing behind. Totally nothing,” the fellow sneered.

“Happens everywhere, people hold public offices for their stomach and their family,” I said.
“You’re getting it twisted,” he spat. “This man didn’t leave any of his many relatives to succeed him. Who does that? And tomorrow his children will go to others looking for jobs?”

I was speechless for a while before the ugly realisation slapped me hard in the face. The man was right. It is now easier for Ugandans to defend Gen Kale Kayihura against US sanctions than understand that one can leave a public office without installing a relative as a successor.

In fact, the men and women who jeered and heckled the retired civil servant would swear by the beads they wear on their waist that the US sanction was motivated by the need to punish Gen KK for not leaving his relative or children as IGP after himself.

Imagine this guy was as recently as 2017 the most powerful man in the land after his boss. He could have even appointed himself as deputy to himself and believe you me, one of him would still be in office, the other at home facing US sanctions and charges before the military court.

Now some people in my feeds are saying that Gen KK was reported to the US because he betrayed the Ugandan creed by allowing himself to be removed from office, leaving nothing behind like he held that IGP office in Seychelles or Mauritius.

This is why I applaud Sam Kutesa. If the Foreign Affairs minister went to his constituency, he would receive more cheers than if Uganda Airlines landed its ‘Bobadia’ there. And this has nothing to do with the futuristic backside of his successor as seen in the famous photos doing rounds. It’s the Ugandan succession creed.

The people understand and appreciate leaders who leave tangible and visible achievements like sons or daughters or in-laws in office, not this nonsense of “I built roads, repaired a feeder school, reduced poverty and extended clean water to villages…”
The Kutesas, Ken Lukyamuzis and Alengot’s parents are the real deal in leadership. Thinking of them, I have decided to plan ahead. I can’t be subjected to jeers just because I didn’t groom my child to succeed me.

Now you reading this, I am asking you to petition the Editorial Board of MPL to approve the retirement plan I submitted to my editors last week. I plan to retire from writing this Empty Tin column and since my daughter can read and write basic words like ‘succeed’ ‘your’ ‘father,’ I believe that is good enough.

However, I worry that the editors are not typical Ugandans and might defenestrate my proposal. That is why I need all your support in this. My daughter is good. And her claim to fame is being my daughter. These are good enough for a succession CV in Uganda. If you doubt, ask Alengot. Just don’t ask me where she is.

When this plan goes through and my daughter writes about Baa Baa Black Sheep in her first column, it won’t be because she doesn’t understand what to do, but rather to show how deep down the precipice the country has fallen.