How Opposition is trying to use ludo to defeat Museveni

Ssewanyana is an MP. After five years in Parliament earning at least Shs20m a month plus all the privileges Jesus promised His followers would receive in Heaven being dispensed right here on Ugandan earth, the politician in him has decided to do something for his people.

Yes, Ssewanyana’s inflated honesty is worth some praise. You see, we are in an error (forgive the boring pun) where a man promises computers and radios and TV sets to every household but cannot even deliver posho and beans that were already donated to begin with.

When Ssewanyana donated ludo boards to his voters in Makindye West, many rolled their eyes like that emoji women like to send when they sense you are being suggestive to their loins. However, this column has since obtained exclusive detail of Ssewanyana’s motives.

The detail, contained in a dossier ISO sent to the spotted animal, says the MP is working under a slogan that says “a ludo in the hand is better than TVs, computers and radios in the bushman.”

The dossier warns the spotted animal that Ssewanyana’s ludo should not be taken lightly since “there are underlying deep messages in it,” according to highly placed sources.
“MP Ssewanyana is not giving his voters an idea on how to be good nuisances to the economy by gambling freely,” a line in the security dossier reads.

“That was the initial conclusion but on further scrutiny, our information is that the Opposition are united in this and they are trying to prove that it is better to dish out ludo boards than go around shooting videos of indoor exercise in a plush public home and then expect everyone to watch while holding them at ransom with a tax called OTT.”

Sources say the Opposition is using ludo as a strategy for the 2021 elections. According to Wiki, the online encyclopaedia, ludo is a strategy board game for two to four players, in which the players race their four tokens from start to finish according to the rolls of a single die.

For political reasons, every ludo board has the colours yellow, green, blue and red. Simply put, ludo is designed to reflect NRM, DP, FDC and whoever wins the battle for red colour between the sons and idolaters of Milton Obote and this fella with so much sense of entitlement.

In their brief, security told the spotted one that there is a strong indication that the Opposition is using the dented reputation of the Electoral Commission and the recent queries after the sacking of top officials at the electoral body, to make their push.

“In several meetings held clandestinely at ludo playing points around the city, the Opposition members agreed to push for ludo to be used in 2021 elections,” the dossier, a copy of which this column has made up, says.

“They are going to argue that a scientific election is impossible and they have a point because the government cannot even deliver the promised radios. They will also say conventional electioneering places voters at risk of coronavirus infection and that indefatigable doctor is using his medical knowledge to convince everyone of this.”

The security brief recommended slapping heavy tax on ludo games in the country to swat the Opposition gambling theatrics.

“There is no VPN that can frustrate Ludo Tax like Ugandans have done with OTT so there must be immediate measures in place before the EC is moved onto a ludo board.”

Ssewanyana laughed off the claims during this imaginary interview but said if Museveni wanted to prove that he is a man and a half, “he should stop doing those edited videos of push-ups and come and we compete in ludo.”

“We’re tired of taking elections too seriously when we ask the people to live a simple life. Let Museveni accept the ludo election and, as you know, getting sixes would help his sixth term. We shall defeat him.”