The nominees for Empty Person of the Year

Sunday December 15 2019

 

By Jacobs Seaman Odongo

TIME Magazine has named Swedish teen climate change activist Greta Thunberg as Person of the Year.

There was a bit of awkwardness in Kampala when the iconic magazine nominated Thunberg and a Covfefe as the two contenders, ignoring our political global hopper Bobi Wine. Very painful.

Anyway, Kagame is always saying Africa must write its own story so we have decided that we will define our own story with Empty Persons of the Year right here at the Peril of Africa.

If you insist on calling ours the Pearl when its treasures like Murchison are being short-changed for a spoon of sugar, then you are just another changeling.
Now, it wasn’t easy but we managed to shortlist six nominees for the Empty Person of the Year. Many like ‘Fool Figure’ will feel jilted but what to do? Starting Monday on the Daily Monitor Facebook page, vote for Empty Person of the Year by simply writing their name in the comment section and adding your salvo.

MP Francis Zaake
Whichever way you think of it, this MP fits the bill. He is empty and indeed a mega tattered deebe (tin). Empty as in his grasp of issues and English, moreover while insisting on using it, and a deebe because, well, he just makes a lot of noise.

“Why would Zaake lobby to appear on VoA and do that? A 30-minute interview ended up as the longest quick quip ever, with the joke on himself,” said an editor who nominated Zaake.

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Leopard
This spotted animal will be named Man of the Year by some newspaper for nearly halving his weight and I swear we are impressed with that. But there is something else.

Leo is perhaps the only carnivore who knows that a prey has to be hunted and killed but chooses to organise and lead a pride of its kind (I hate that pun) in a walk after closing the entire jungle of a capital for a day.

In so doing, Leo hopes the many prey taking part in the mock walk will submit themselves to his dinner table, or stop engaging in what has been their natural instinct since 1986. What a loss!

“But credit to Leo, he knows only too well that if he mauled all the greedy animals in his jungle, he will have effectively executed a Russian roulette. Yet for leading that Empty Walk, I can’t help but nominate Leo,” Empty Tin director said.

Rema
After nominating a man, then a spotted animal, naturally, the women on our team would have lifted their skirts by the hems and threatened to undress if we didn’t drop in their kind.
Gender inclusiveness is how Rema has ended up here.
“She has bizarre ideas like Kwanjula showers and running a marriage on social media,” the editor said, rumbling on about her car going on sale and whatnot.

Pastor Aloysius Bugingo
It was unanimous that Bugingo, the pastor who spent many weeks describing his then estranged wife’s anatomy and reproductive health issue, is emptier and more annoying than a pack of dogs yelping by the bedroom window at 3am when sleep is sweetest.
“He is the only man whose words were more nauseating than the sight of pus this year,” said one of the editors.

Minister Idah Nantaba
She is accused of misleading police into executing Ronald Ssebulime after paranoia swallowed her head.
But where even the devil itself shows a semblance of remorse, Nantaba just thumped her breast with satisfaction. “What a tin!” That is all an editor nominating her could say.

Remnants
The other day their leader said that there will be 12 months in 2020 and that January will start on New Year’s Day and they all prostrated to thank God for the prophecy. What kind of tins are these?

editorial@ug.nationmedia.com

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