There was a time Bryan White’s latest monetary excitement would have been inexcusable. We have seen so many yo-yo ‘tyfools’ parade bundles of dollars to the media to flaunt their satiated wealth but we can hardly name them all. What we never forget is that the charlatans often have the same common denominator.
Byran White last week officially inducted himself into the Tyfool Hall of Shame by parading so much money that Jennifer Musisi felt blue and black with a cocktail of anger. What happened next is that she spent the midnight candle scribbling away like an S4 candidate revising Ngoni migration and Shaka Zulu ahead of History exams.
When she emerged, it was 21 pages long. Yes, a resignation letter of that volume explaining why she needed the Bryan White money to run the Kampala City Carnival. To summarise the resignation letter, Jenny was telling the man who needs no polishing, “Why lie to me that there is no Shs2 billion to organise a carnival when Bryan White is parading thrice the budge for Marabou Stock birds (Kaloli) to gawk at?”
But forget Bryan-Musisi. We are only interested in their money. Bryan White has a lot of money. He lends Bank of Uganda and funds energy projects, like the Karuma Power Dam construction where he acted as the Chinese to fund the entire project with his pocket money. The other day he said that he has so much money that if he dropped it on River Nile, the water would not flow and Egypt and Sudan will plead with him to forgive them for sins they didn’t commit.
As for Jenny, she has been earning Shs44 million per month. That big pay is now redundant. Yet life must go on.
Now, somewhere in Chobe Safari Lodge, Kanye West or Kanye Ye and his wallpaper draping Kim Kardashian are spending swell time. The celebrity couple are the biggest thing to happen to Uganda since 1986. As you read this, a Cabinet meeting is discussing renaming the new Nile Bridge “K&K West Bridge”—Kim and Kanye West in recognition of the graceful presence of these two.
The problem here is that someone has taken the pain to cook and serve the meal. But we are at the dining table just looking at the meal as if eating and hunger haven’t yet been invented. When Prophet Elvis Mbonye predicted that Kim and Kanye West or Ye would come to Uganda, he forgot to add that it would be up to us to make the most of their presence.
Like Kim Kardashian. This PLT (pretty little thing) has 119 million followers on Instagram and another 59.4 million on Twitter. Now imagine she tweeted, “Forget Amin, Uganda looks like the biblical Garden of Eden. Purely magical beauty. No wonder it’s called the Pearl of Africa.”
This will be retweeted more times than a tweet announcing a Manchester United defeat. Global billionaires who are looking for where to spend their holidays will see this and make note of their diaries. And then Kim Kardashian can post a picture of herself feeding a giraffe with zebras around admiring her ample hips. This will go to her 119 million followers.
But Kim Kardashian has yet to say a thing about Uganda or Kampala or the old man who asked her “what do you do for work?” as if he needed a model at his Kisozi Ranch. Either Kim Kardashian doesn’t want the world to know where she is now or she wants to be motivated to. Otherwise, besides the awkward State House visit, there is no way she wouldn’t be in love with the natural endowment of Uganda unless she was that jealous type who conflicts even environment for looking nicer than her.
We have Bryan White’s money. We can’t wait for him to prove that it is so much it can block River Nile. We have the salary Musisi is leaving. Let’s use those to pay Kim Kardashian to post about Uganda. This is the only time we should all be approving of a bribe. With our record since 1986, it should be a kid’s play for some NRM honcho to have Kim Kardashian receive the endorsement in a legal jiffy.
Oh, 10 per cent for my not-so pro bono advice.