Dear Uncle Paul,
Greetings from Kakira, the only place in Uganda that is not bothered by the alleged border closure and the political hullabaloo surrounding the same, especially in this era of brouhaha leadership.
If some of the words I have so far used do not make sense, I beg to say that I also just learnt them yesterday, so I thought I could use them to plead a case for Mwenda because nobody seems to understand the former journalist.
Anyway, I was simply saying that we rather you closed the borders forever and kept all those ‘Rwandan treasures on two legs’ from crossing into Uganda but, please, reinstate Mwenda on your PAC.
According to some online news sites, Mwenda did not attend the recent Presidential Advisory Committee meeting in New York, US, and the man himself confirmed to another website that he has not been attending the meetings for two years now.
Although Mwenda did not explain this neglect of his cardinal duty to your excellency, I beg to plead his case, Uncle Paul. During those two years, word from the Dems has been that a yellow blimp hijacked the Yellow Oval Office and imposed funny ideas on world political orders.
The Dems said the yellow blimp also ordered investigations into the conduct of a general in Mwenda’s malwa joint named Uganda, leading to the recent sanctions announced by a man called Pompous or something like that.
Had Mwenda been frequenting the M9 street in New York (it exists, my bald nephew lives there) at a time like this, it could have caused a misunderstanding that he was working with CIA or FBI or both to malign Ugandan generals and top ministers. Yes, I say ministers because there is one who can’t step in New York, even when the UN General Assembly he should have attended was going on.
Uncle Paul, Mwenda is someone you need by your side for the times like we are in here. In present Rwanda, riffraff only appears in the dictionary. But for how long will that be? Here it is allover Mwenda’s Twitter feeds so it can cross the south-western borders.
The thing with Mwenda is that he has experience in decoding their mentality, explaining their brain and drawing conclusions and justification for meting out brutality on them. This riffraff and hooliganism psychologist called Mwenda has singly tackled Besigye for a decade now.
Let me tell you a story, Uncle Paul. One day, Besigye went on a hunger strike over election results. This threatened business in Uganda because food vendors were missing their best client. Then Mwenda happened in his Kasangati home. That evening teargas trucks brought food for Besigye.
If you reinstate Mwenda, be assured that that girl jumping around in a political jamboree because the BBC and Daily Mail cover her story will lie low. What can Diane Rwigara click if Mwenda deployed economic tools and scales to explain why calendars are made? She might even think Mwenda is praising her when the man defends the use of safe houses and torture.
However, Uncle Paul, I must admit that my last reason for sending this plea is selfish. In my banana village, when heads of state like your excellency visit, the old man takes them to his farm, when foreign MPs visit, they go to Kamuli, a place in eastern Uganda famous for ffene, shrines and water spirits, while when criminals visit, it is wanainchi’s lives.
I can’t change that. But the thing is that if you go on without the bowl from Mwenda, he might focus all his brain, diction, muscles and data, even his virility on throwing barbs at Besigye, Bobi Wine and Ingrid. This would be worse than Sadam Hussein’s nuclear weapons.
Uncle Paul, please recall Mwenda to keep his loyalty divided.