Now we have funeral betting companies, police extortion bettors

Monday February 19 2018


By Jacobs Odongo Seaman

Many years ago on a date I can’t readily recall because the two Zeds of Zari and Zuma have beclouded my memory with their showers, I said somewhere on social media that Uganda was no longer the pearl but ‘peril’ of Africa. Sports journalist Andrew Mwanguhya quickly policed my mind and tried to kidnap my brain cells, extorting it of alleged vagaries and perversion.

I was asked to retract the unpatriotic word and to behave. I stood my ground. Today, I realise I was wrong and would pay to retract the word. Uganda is actually endowed with so much benevolence I don’t know what maggots had crawled into my brain to make me call my motherland a peril. Uganda is the Pearl of Africa, the gift that keeps giving.

Where else do you get a country that has a signpost of a major referral hospital juxtaposed with that of a funeral home? A cheeky friend told me to shut up and stop whining. “It is just a funeral betting company prominently placing its service out for all, especially patients, to see,” the fellow said.
And I allowed.

For a while, rumour mongers and enemies of progress have been skewing their mouth with claims that the only man who has worked tirelessly for himself and his family for now 32 years so that Ugandans achieve middle income status had taken Entebbe General Hospital to himself.

These socio-economic saboteurs didn’t know that it is possible to irrigate tomato seedlings using mineral water bottles and then harvest bananas months later. They needed proof of that until the man himself rolled a Hero bicycle with a chunk of banana this big, Zuma must have seen the picture and agreed to exit South Africa and run for some quick katogo in Rwakitura.

Now that we have proof that 1+1=4 (or tomato-plus-water-bottle-equals-matooke), we can figure out the mystery of the so-called kidnapped Entebbe General Hospital. Fellow Ugandans, the hospital was not being tormented with threats of “if you don’t give us Shs1.4 billion, we shall…,” but it was being allowed to get a valuable partner to promote its services.

You guys whine a lot, that public hospitals have no medical supplies, that one can’t even find paracetamol in Mulago…, so now those concerned have decided to show in graphic effect what one of the hospitals has been up to.

As it was boldly erected, Entebbe General Hospital has been seeking partnership with a valuable client to handle its ‘outgoing’ patients. Being a referral hospital, when you are herded into that ambulance, it is cardinal that you enjoy the wow, wow wow of the siren because that could be the last thing you ever hear unless you are lucky enough to be sent to the mortuary while still ‘half-dead’ so that you can hear the morticians pull some wicked jokes about your anatomy.

The valuable partner our Entebbe hospital signed up to is Rhino Funeral Services. You arrive on that ambulance, the funeral home opens bets for the day with high odds.
The prominent odd here comes with empty sachets of blood. If you need blood at the facility, Uganda Blood Transfusion Service is doing a stellar job of ensuring that the partnership between Entebbe General Hospital and Rhino Funeral Services is so productive even Man United’s Mourinho could be tabling abnormal bid to sign them in the summer.

The blood bank has said some Ugandans are not powered with human blood but run around on weird substances that cannot be allowed to be donated. Of course, Rhino Funeral Services sees improved odds with this action of the blood bank.
Meanwhile, Police have refuted as “baseless allegations that don’t hold even in Zari’s valentine blues” accusations that its officers own shares in funeral betting. Addressing the media, police spokesperson Kay-Mu said: “Our officers don’t frequent Entebbe to play around that funeral home.”

Kay-Mu, who was breathing hard like an agitated wrestler, added that police officers go to Entebbe to spot people they can bet their lives.
“We are mandated by Section None of the Police Hash to ensure that, in executing our duties, we go the extra mile so that our families don’t end up entering Entebbe hospital and come out via its partner funeral home.”