Oh shut up! Animals are actually born

Sunday July 21 2019

Proposed. Government proposed issuing of birth

Proposed. Government proposed issuing of birth certificates to all cattle in Uganda for proper tracking of beef exports. 

By Jacobs Seaman Odongo

You should see them. Jesus! Ugandans can moan! I never thought I would use so many exclamation marks in just a few words but what to do? I am so angry I am even constipated from it.
We all know cows are born. Cows have identity and for crying out loud, what’s wrong with issuing birth certificates to animals? Will these cows demand to sleep in bed and drink wine if we celebrated their birthdays?
Guys, sit down and listen. Many years ago when some chap called George Orwell dug his brains to write Animal Farm, it left an indelible mark on our socio-political fabrics. Those who read the book sympathised with the animals.
I bet my precious fresh farts that anyone who watched the movie adaptation felt for the poor animals. You probably wished to grant them all sorts of liberty.
But true to our good government, they are showing the world how serious rights issues are down this side. That minister might have only yapped about trade but the truth is that the government is eager to let the world know how well they treat animals these ends.
If animals have birth certificates and whatnot, imagine how much more sugar candy the humans are licking. Those of you complaining simply don’t know where to find the sugar candy mountain. Some of us have been there for ages and have had our fill. Nobody is going to come and direct you when even goats know how to reach the grazing ground.
Now, if the Zungus compelling us to do these certificate things want to know how far ahead we are in things, they should come and witness the many animals we have that carry passports and national IDs. Forget Chameleone sujui Weasel and whatnot, look at that pastor who has been fighting for news headlines with cows.
What do you think the pastor is if not an animal? Do you want a prize for guessing that he probably holds a diplomatic passport? So what’s wrong with elevating cows to the level of their comrades?
What is left is for the real animals to now make the most of these cow-certificates. They will form the National Animal Registration Authority (NARA) and it will be headed by two-legged cows that can hold a Bic pen and misspell your name as Sabaro instead of Tabaro, then after six months of waiting for the certificate, the cow called Tabaro finds its name misspelled, goes on Facebook fuming, is advised by idlers on social media to go to the NARA offices to have it corrected.
The NARA official who did this knows that the deliberate mistake means more money for printing a replacement ID. It means their contract runs longer because they are keeping many cows in need of those certificates.
Another cow named David at birth will also head back to NARA to complain that its certificate came with the name Rabid and date of birth 04-32-1867. The anomaly will be shared on Facebook to viral proportions but the cows in NARA won’t mind a thing. Viral is after all a word describing what a cow disease they themselves are suffering from can do. Like a viral Newcastle Disease.
But deep inside, the NARA cows know that the only antidote they need to treat their disease is billions of shillings from taxpayers into NARA animal certification activities.
I was thinking about minister Ssempijja’s comments and decided that the best way is to start lobbying for things. I have been calling myself Seaman but I think it’s time to bait the Animals Above by calling myself Fleaman. They might want to consider such an animal as the executive director of NARA.
My first job will be to issue that pastor with a fresh certificate so that he bleats instead of being a bloody nuisance (sorry for the pun).