Doctors at Infectious Diseases Institute in Mulago were on Wednesday baffled out of their wits when a man reported having “endless and funny pig complaints” in his head.
The man, in his early 50s, said he had travelled all the way from a district “somewhere in Uganda,” insisting instead that he wasn’t at the medical facility to file his census biodata but get medical help.
“Look, I’ve been walking since 86 to get here because people said I would get the best treatment, why then ask where I come from instead of what I am suffering from?” the man said.
“Okay, your name then?”
“The second name?”
‘Piram means a wild ass of a man, you can confirm that in the Book of Genesis. Ask about my ailment, not names. I’m a pig farmer who doesn’t care about names.”
Piram told the medics that every time he goes to tend to his pigs, he finds them huddled in a circle, engaged in animated discourse that he himself can hear and understand. But his wife, he added, insisted he was hallucinating.
A doctor scribbled a referral to the psychiatric department but just to hear a little bit more, he asked the man what the pigs say in their congregation.
“Oh yeah! Finally someone who understands and wants to hear me out,” Piram exclaimed. “The other day I found the sow saying ‘enough with insulting pigs’ and all the others nodded.”
“Then what happened?” a nurse asked.
“Be quiet. I’m going to narrate their discourse,” Piram said, adding that would name them pig one, pig two…
Pig One: I’m tired of shouldering the blame. Every time there is murder, you hear the leader of those people blame us.
Pig Two: True. They make it sound like we are the root cause of problems in that country.
Pig One: Imagine even when the people want to demonstrate, they paint one of us in funny colours and drop us here and there, and then police just picks us for their stew. This must stop.
Pig Three: How did we get here?
Pig Four: Like we know! I wish they could use ducks instead, after all, their old ministers openly pride in rearing ducks.
Pig Five: The other day I saw on news as these ministers were blocked from accessing the site of a project in which they are supposedly the supervisors. Such a joke!
“There was a lot of laughter at this,” Piram interjected his narration. “By the way, are you following? Yes, I see you are all attentive. Let’s continue.”
Pig Three: What killed me with laughter was this lady justice being stopped from contested land she was investigating. The soldiers were then awarded medals.
“Guys, I tell you, the pigs laughed so hard I couldn’t help but join in the laughter,” Piram interjected himself again.
Pig Two: Medals? For real?
Pig One: You didn’t know? Sergeant Julius Katuliba, David Kyabona, Staff Sergeant Sirat Iga, and Lance Corporals Veneranda Tumusiime and Robert Kyanyikire were awarded medals for their bravery.
Pig Two: Eh! Then the guys who will eventually catch the killers who make us be sullied might be awarded the presidency itself.
Pig Six: Wapi! Those humans are jokers. The ones who make the laws don’t see the need to defend it, like when Ministry of Health officials were blocked at the hospital site. Then days later they find themselves being blocked by a soldier.
Pig One: I’ve a feeling that the soldiers and police there are outdoing themselves in impunity to get the attention of their leader so they are awarded medals or even promoted.
Pig Seven: That can’t be true.
Pig Two: You shut up your fat snort. You never say anything except to dispute facts. Didn’t you see a soldier promoted to general for his bravery in some western district?
Pig Five: Guys, is this human mad like the rest of them? He is tapping our jazz and even laughing. Do humans now click our language?
Pig Three: Well, the idiot has come to feed us. At least he doesn’t blame us for his woes with his wife.
Warning: Don’t take Piram out of his fictitious life.