While feeding some genetically starved Ugandans under the guise of a national prayer breakfast during the week, President Museveni lashed out at what he called “puppets left behind by colonialists” who didn’t care about the interests of Ugandans.
He singled out Idi Amin. For some reason, the old man didn’t call Amin and the so-called puppets swine like he is won’t to do every other mention of 1986, maybe because the items on the menu his guests were feasting on was related to swine.
However, that is far from the subject. My interest since reading the bizarre statement linking a man who expelled Asians from the country to being a colonial puppet has been in identifying the other potential puppets the Leo didn’t mention.
Some of these chaps won’t like it but the Empty Tin is not in the business of humouring folks. If any, we prefer to rub them raw. Here are the five potential puppets the general, who needs no polishing didn’t mention out of courtesy – and courtesy is one virtue Empty Tin will never pick.
He used to call himself Fatboy. Away from social media, this guy is the personification of coyness. He doesn’t look like the imperialist puppet he is on Facebook.
The leopard with a nini you can’t touch might not have cited the Sanyu FM longest-serving employee, but we all know what he exemplifies. Onen takes 1986 (read one thousand nine hundred and eighty-six and not nineteen eighty-six as you are thinking) screen grabs per hour and posts half of those on his timelines.
The screen grabs are usually of women whining about his antics and purview of women, marriage, sex, and more sex. In short, a typical adolescent migraine. The others are of men supposedly regretting marriage. He is their fall back pillow, apparently.
However, the majority of the screen grabs are of people praising Donald Trump, bashing Democrats in the US and the Black race’s inherently-at-fault susceptibility. He cuts it out with ‘No Hope, No Change,’ a slogan he apparently invented to show that Africans and Blacks worldwide are such a hopeless lot even he himself has failed to find a solution for them.
The typical imperialist puppet he is, Onen does not take offence at whatever you say of him. If you are against his views, he simply claims you justify whatever notion he slurped down your throat. If you praise him, you are rewarded with a screenshot and posting on his timeline.
As long as Onen has Internet, food and play station, whatever else happens in Uganda is none of his business. He will instead laugh at those who agitate for whatever freedom, even those who call for better internet pricing, he mocks them.
In short, he is that puppet of colonialists who doesn’t care about the interest of Ugandans. At Empty Tin, we believe Oga was talking about this man, not Amin.
This one needs an encyclopaedia to define but we will try using our limited heads. Many years ago, Idi Amin tried to invent a concrete boat. A true story. He commissioned the construction of a concrete boat trying to go one better than the Western technology of using wood and metal.
Naturally, the boat sunk. Kalyegira would bash Amin’s attempt today but credit to the former ‘Conqueror of the British Emperor’ for trying a long blind shot. If he lived today, he probably would be commissioning apps and whatnot.
On the other hand, this guy who cannot even invent anti-balding cream spends all his time bashing Africans while believing everything the West says or does. His justification is usually to challenge Africans to first invent a camera or toothpick if they want to be praised.
Mr Museveni, we will support your going back to the bush to wage a war on puppets of imperialists as long as you leave Amin out of this and execute rugby tackles on Kalyegira. This guy is not an African, he was just painted black at birth and the pigment refused to come out.