US president Donald Trump last week gave Twitter some respite as he needed to run to the federal court in Washington, DC, to file a suit against the House Ways and Means Committee, the New York state attorney general and the New York tax commissioner to prevent the disclosure of his tax returns.
The ‘orange blimp’ – as his mass of haters call him – seeks a series of injunctions and restraining orders from the court. But you can’t cover the sky with your palms, a Confucian scholar once said. The federal court trashed Trump’s plea and ordered the tax returns revealed to the public. The shocking detail of the tax returns shows he spent as much as $5 billion (Shs33 trillion) on various projects in Uganda, a country he describes as a “beautiful mess”.
In a 1987 note discovered among his tax papers, Trump explained to his father why he had chosen to invest in Uganda more than any other country, saying he is inspired by Idi Amin.
“Uganda had Idi Amin. A great man. He just sent them (Asian nationals) back. That was great. Send immigrants back. I reflect on this and say ‘wonderful.’ Who wouldn’t want to associate with a country like that?” he wrote.
The tax returns show that Trump’s first investment was in 1991 where he spent $18 million on a project dubbed, “40 bed sheets per family”.
In an explanatory note to this, he wrote: “Ugandans are very interesting people. They act tough but put one truck on them and they will almost capsize like that Mbulamuti ferry. You see them brave the cold at dawn but at night they need 40 bed sheets.”
Not what you are thinking about, get out the gutter. Trump explained that the bed sheets were something he learnt from a typical breed of African leader.
“The Ugandan leader is very interesting. Bill (Clinton) couldn’t focus as he paid attention to Lewinsky under his desk, so he got it wrong on African leaders. Now they talk 40 bed sheets, you would think they use it all to sew one oversized suit that leaves them looking like they are in a tent during Nyege Nyege festival,” he joked.
The tax returns details also said Trump spent nearly $1 billion on Fresh Dad’s music project.
“In 1996, I noticed that some leeches prop up and milk a visibly malnourished father of a music prodigy,” Trump wrote. “This guy is hapless. He is like a victim of organ trafficking, being excited with lasses made to grind on him as he shows up in rented bling and hood wears.”
He said he had noticed media reports that Fresh Dad was already dreaming of mounting about above his weight (editor—mounting is a set of utilities that hold the car engine in place and not what you are thinking about) by asking about Desire Luzinda.
“Give him a year and he will want to migrate to Boston, the hiding place for most Ugandan immigrants. It’s prudent to invest in this covfefe so he stays right there in Uganda to look after Amin’s country,” he wrote.
In 1998, the US president spent his biggest bounty in shipping arms and ammunition worth $2b to Uganda. He said he wasn’t financing a mineral excursion into DR Congo but rather responding to reports that a UPDF General of the highest order had dangled a gun on his waist belt like a 90s rumba dancer holding a pouch.
“Generals shoot. Guns are for shooting. Either the General didn’t have bullets or it was a toy gun,” Trump jotted down in a handwriting that betrayed his anger.
“I’m sending them guns and the real bullets. They might stop me from bombing Iran but a Ugandan General should burn tractors and beat up women who challenge their sacrifice in bringing peace and tranquillity to the beautiful mess.”
According to the US federal laws on financial regulations, Trump’s spends on Ugandan ventures were illegal, which, the Times editor suggested, could explain why president Trump had the detail “hidden from public and fought to keep it so with his wisp of hair and all”.
And that was when I woke up from my dream.