We have more problems than sexual harassment claims

Samantha is a nice name, but with limitations. In some parts of this wretched planet, the mention of that name conjures images of how the other hyper-realistic sex robot can compel a beeper to do a marathon.
However, in some banana republic that takes two years to print a national ID that then expires in three years, parents should strictly avoid the name. If you doubt, go and ask Samantha. She will tell you that her name gave men ideas that she was just realistically hyper.
The poor thing, she thought sexual harassment is a crime in a banana republic only to realise that I, Jacobs Odongo Seaman, is more interested in distributing 20 million hoes and 20k to voters than listen to OICOS (Original Imaginative Composition on Office Sex).
Yes, in a country where Rema’s relationship means more to the people than the price of sugar, going around accusing your boss of sexual harassment is nothing but a load of OICOS.
Mark you, this is what Trump calls covfefe although the US president himself doesn’t know this yet.
If we had 35 million jobless people yesterday, today Samantha made that number 35 million and one, all because Sam gave us OICOS – as if we don’t have bigger problems like trailing Besigye and tapping Bobi Wine’s phone.
How do you go WhatsApping a whole prime minister about your OICOS yet he should be busy convincing the country that mafia talk is political hallucination and a thing of Mario Puzo’s creation?
Thank the gods that protect this government for moving swiftly to serve the state attorney a deterrent punishment that any other women fomenting OICOS ideas that fiction only belongs in Literature syllabus and during Kyankwanzi retreats, not in public service.
Perhaps the venerable National Curriculum Development Centre can go ahead and device a syllabus on things Ugandan women should not complain about. We need to teach them from young age that sexual harassment is a foreign concept they should never imagine exists in Ugandan workplaces.
And there is justification for this thing in our curriculum. I tell you, Ugandan women have become a problem. Just because they can explain a no-deal Brexit faster than Boris Johnson can take to imitate Donald Trump, they think they know it all.
The other day a whole MP dragged a chapatti maker from Jinja to court accusing the poor thing of sexually harassing him using Celine Dion’s ballads. By the time she awoke from her OICOS stupor, even pastors like that one who fights gays were all over the place, trolling her for anything and everything they could.
To embarrass the MP further, her court victory was recalled, quashed and sent back for retrial. She has since learnt that it is wrong for a Ugandan woman to walk out of a ‘relationshit’ to make a relationship she can be happy about because Kenzo is a boss who doesn’t fear loss. Leave your Kenzo and Ugandans will remind you that a certain pastor was also right to discuss his wife’s anatomy and medical troubles on a public address system.
This country is more interested in convincing its wretched citizens that the nailed man bled sweat than hear the cries of the Samanthas. Even if a Samantha was screaming in obvious pain, to Ugandans, it will sound like the ultimate moan.
Any Samanthas with funny ideas against their bosses had better known right away that we are supposed to be busy looking for the out-of-stock tees with bold statements “Gen MK is my role model”. These are more important things than hollows moans about original imaginative composition on office sex.
The writer holds a PhD in OICOS rehabilitation from the Office of the Attorney General.